Thursday, January 29, 2009

Take Sausage. Add Bacon. Die.

No, not because Allah will smite you, but because this little recipe,
called the "Bacon Explosion" (or the "Human Heart Explosion", but I'm
not picky), contains "two pounds of bacon woven through and around two
pounds of sausage and slathered in barbecue sauce."

For those counting calories, the roll contains, "at least 5,000 calories
and 500 grams of fat." To put that in perspective, that's 2 and a half
days worth of calories, and approximately SEVEN to EIGHT days of
recommended fat.

Just so we're clear - that's more than a week's worth of fat. Makes this
seem like celery in comparison -

For more, please see this -

And this -

So the butler didn't do it?

In an incredible display of stereotype reinforcement, the Nigerian
police have arrested a GOAT on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Their justification? It "morf(ed) [sic] from a human to escape justice."


I love the absolutely matter-of-factness with which the following
statements are made:

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on
patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car," Kwara state
police spokesman Tunde Mohammed said.

"They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned
into a goat."

Following his confirmation of the ludicrous story, he says this:

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody."


In case by this point, you were beginning to doubt his sanity, he
assures you that, "We cannot base our information on something mystical.
It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being
turned into a goat."

Okay then.

Finally, given my admittedly very limited interaction with and knowledge
of goats, I always pictured goats as chilling by piles of straw,
possibly in a kneeling position. However, this must clearly be a
remarkable phenomenon, since, "people have been flocking to the police
station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its
knees next to a pile of straw."

(Link courtesy Tong)

P.S. I'm fairly certain that the goat in the picture is not THE goat in
question (or being questioned).

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

And you thought you had it bad...

Italian PM, Silvio Berlusconi, when not trying to run the country or buy David Beckham, says things like the following,

"deploying more troops on Italian streets following a series of rape cases would not guarantee the safety of the country's women because "we would need as many soldiers as there are beautiful girls in Italy - which we will never manage".


In his defense, he continued,

"[my comments were made solely as a] compliment to pretty Italian girls, of which there are millions...I believe that on every occasion it is always useful to use a light
approach and a sense of humour"

I guess he's not such a big fan of time, place, everything, etc

Innocent Bystanders

It takes an article such as this, to truly show us the extent of these troubled times:

"[The innocent bystanders] shared their sad stories the other night at an informal gathering of Dating a Banker Anonymous, a support group founded in November to help women cope with the inevitable relationship fallout from, say, the collapse of Lehman Brothers or the Dow's shedding 777 points in a single day, as it did on Sept. 29"

My heart bleeds for these poor souls, who surely deserve their AE Platinum cards, Manolos and meals at Megu (highly recommend the kobe beef burger, next time you're there) as much as the next person.

That being said, I thought the following was particularly amusing:

"One frequent topic among the group is the link between the boardroom and the bedroom. "There's actually the type of person who has a bad day on the trading floor and they want to have sex more," Ms. Spinner Davis offered as she sipped a vodka gimlet, declining to say how she knew.

Ms. Petrus chimed in.

"If you're lucky you'll get that guy," she said, not revealing whether she considered herself lucky. "Middle-case scenario: It gets relegated to the weekends.

"Worst-case scenario," she began, and then took another sip of her drink."

Oh, and in case you want more (and yes, I very much do), they even have a blog.

(Link courtesy ZZ)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

You there, go home early today...and don't forget to bang your wife

For a country that has introduced the world to kara-oke (go on, try it), Dance Dance Revolution and even bukkake, this article really shouldn't surprise all that much...but it still does:

(Please note the link CNN chose for the article: canon babies)

"Japan is in the midst of an unprecedented recession, so corporations are being asked to work toward fixing another major problem: the country's low birthrate."

With the country's social and economic welfare foremost in their minds, the bigwigs at Canon have decided to actively participate in alleviating the issue, "letting its employees leave early twice a week for a rather unusual reason: to encourage them to have more babies."

I would like to point out that this is pretty much the most they could do, short of actually procreating themselves (with their employees' wives or otherwise).

Please also note, " [The go home now and have sex idea] also has an added benefit: Amid the global economic downturn the company can slash overtime across the board twice a week."

Helping the country AND adding shareholder value, now that's something these folks could probably learn a little about...

The Reign of Younis

Did you notice it?
The wind just changed.

Do you hear it?
A soft but relentless tribal drum pervades the air.

Do you sense it?
A cautious optimism fills your being.

Can you see it?
The sun. So bright. And yet. You can look straight at it.

Can you comprehend it?
The world. Today. Its perfectly balanced.

Can you feel it?
It starts in your toes. Steadily, it works its way up your calf, tickling your hamstrings. It shoots up your thighs but is more gentle while traversing your pelvis. It breaks off into two strands upon reaching your abdomen - one strand arrowing up your chest cavity and straddling your gullet on its way to your brain; the other strand curling around your spine, winding its way up your cord. Both slivers of energy meet again in your thalamus, climaxing with the most awesome headrush. A headrush to end all headrushes.

You drop down to the ground in "agony and ecstasy". You're confused. You're scared. What's happening around you? Why do you feel this way? Is this death? Are you god? Did you just get laid for the first time?


The answer is as straight as his bat is during a cover drive. As graceful as his shuffle during a forward defensive. As direct as his throw at the stumps.

There is only one truth.

He has arrived.

I hope you took a good, long look at everything around you yesterday. Things will be very different from here on in.

Friday, January 23, 2009

It's pronounced PENNIS-tun

Without a doubt, this is my favorite article of the year thus far (I know it's early, but still). Reporting from Crapstone, England, the NYT has compiled a list of some of the most embarrassingly named places in England. I'll try not to spoil it for you, but the fifth-grader in me had to include the following:

“Avoid aesthetically unsuitable names,” like Gaswork Road, the council decreed. Also, avoid “names capable of deliberate misinterpretation,” like Hoare Road, Typple Avenue, Quare Street and Corfe Close.

(What is wrong with Corfe Close, you might ask? The guidelines mention the hypothetical residents of No. 4, with their unfortunate hypothetical address, “4 Corfe Close.” To find the naughty meaning, you have to repeat the first two words rapidly many times, preferably in the presence of your fifth-grade classmates.)

(Link courtesy BC, BC)

U.S. Airways's Next Commercial

Sometimes, the extra money is worth it...

(Link courtesy Doofus)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Extracted Wisdom

So, in a rather painful episode, I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed, resulting in my looking like this, or this, only not as cute. Given that I've spent most of my day propped up in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, and getting dizzy watching Season 2 of Lost, while occasionally popping to the bathroom to spit out about half a pint of blood, it's safe to say that I'm not in the best of moods. In fact, I would even go so far as to define it as a combination of woe-is-me-ness, hatred of the world, and general weltschmerz.

But putting my misery aside, the reasons for this post are threefold:
1) I want you to empathize with my wretched (perhaps slightly exaggerated) condition.
2) For those of you who have been through this before, recommendations for what to eat/drink would be very welcome. I've been surviving on gatorade, applesauce and pudding. And oh, I had one of these too.
3) And perhaps most importantly, I would encourage you to check back often - because given the combination of having nothing to do and feeling rather venomous, unless I pass out from losing too much blood, I expect to be rather prolific in my sardonic output.

A couple of quick questions/notes from my time spent in the dentist's office:
Are dentists always late?
Do dental clinics always smell that sterile?
Do women always seem cuter as you're nearing losing consciousness as a result of heavy sedation? I think I may have wanted to marry my dental assistant, but passed out just as I was contemplating popping the question. By the time I came to, the moment was lost. Maybe it was because she had seen the inside of my mouth like none other, or perhaps it was due to my having regained conscousness, and more importantly, coherence - I guess we'll never know.
My seat was parked right in front of a window, and had a fabulous view of the south-east corner of central park (wiki) - essentially this pond here (only because it's winter, it looked more like this). Anyway, the point is, about 30 seconds before passing out, while falling in love with my dental assistant, I also happened to notice, waddling about, bang in the middle of the pond, a long row of...wait for it...DUCKS! I didn't know how to react, and to be honest, didn't really have the time, but seriously - I saw ducks in central park in the winter. Now, I'm sure this is a relatively common sight for those traipsing about the park in heart of winter, but apart from passing out piss drunk once somewhere near CPW, and drinking champagne in the middle of the park on new year's eve three years ago, I haven't really spent much time in the park in the cold months.
That being said, on coming to, it's the first thing I thought of, and all I really wanted to say was, "there you go, Holden."

So there you go.

Note: for those of you who feel I have violated MYK's disclaimer, fuck you - i'm in pain.

Update: Ahhh, Percocet. Excellent.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Deconstructing Barack Obama's Inauguration speech

Now that that first day hullabaloo is behind us, we can take a step back and carefully consider what Obama said and put it in context. This is a necessary exercise because, admit it, you’ve been so caught up in the movie-premier that was his inauguration, you failed to view his speech with a keen, critical eye.

Whatastupidity has decided rise above the blindly pro-Obama rhetoric and review his inaugural address with a fiercely neutral eye. Usually we would leave the political analysis to our sister site, fiverupees. However, my noble and most respected fellow writer Ahsan goes goo-goo eyed whenever Obama appears on the television, so he may not be the most objective source in this instance.

Forgive the length of the post. Ive cut down the speech to the relevant bits which caught my attention:

My fellow citizens

A controversial beginning if there ever was one! I know for a fact (and through personal knowledge) that a couple of foreign university students were present at the inauguration ceremony. So what is Obama trying to say? Is he relaxing citizenship laws? Are bright foreign college students not going to be allowed to go back to their home countries under the auspices of a sham asylum? By extension, can illegal immigrants breathe a sign of relief? Clearly Obama has opened a can of worms right off the bat. Lets hope he calms down as the speech progresses.

I stand here today humbled by the task before us

Full defeatist talk already. A Republican would have said something along the lines of: “I am fully aware of the enormity of the tasks ahead of me and they can kiss my white ass because I’m totally going to own them.” Obama’s already getting down and negative. This is not what the red states want to hear. More temerity and less humility.

"Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms."

Who’s writing his speech, Al Gore? Talk about not trying to hide your environmentalist convictions. The Greenpeace office must have collectively orgasmed at such figures of speech being used so early. I had a sneaking suspicion that Obama was a tree-loving hippie.

our schools fail too many

Bit harsh calling the youth of the nation a bunch of dumbasses.

Or is he saying that schools should artificially raise test scores. Again, a questionable message to send out.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real.”

No yaar, they are fake. We were just imagining them. Oh seriously.. they’re real? Shit thanks for letting us know. We thought the crumbling economy, collapsing property market, overburdened armed forces and dwindling energy supplies were figments of our imagination. Thanks for the heads up.

It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame.

This said with a bunch of Hollywood celebrities sitting around him. Most of Spielberg’s last couple of films have sucked ass and he still rakes in the dough. And Courtney Cox was really working hard on those last few laugh-less seasons of friend, wasn't she. And don’t get me started on her chutia of a husband.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Come ON. How pretentious is that Khe Sahn reference? Full throwing in an artsy, cult reference in the middle of the crowd-pleasers. That’s like someone saying their favorite movies are Godfather, Jurassic Park and then throwing in Requiem for a Dream to try and prove how unconventional and deep they are. This Khe Sahn reference really bothered me. Just stick to My Lai, man. Oh wait, no. The other side got screwed there. How about that battle in the “Black Hawk Down” movie?

Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began.

Yeah, they just got fired because their faces were funny looking.

We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.

I’m sorry but only God Almighty has true control over the elements. Please don’t overstep your boundaries.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them.

Hahaha! Oh man! What a CRUEL bitch-slap directed towards U.S. critics in earthquake-hit parts of the world which express any kind of cynicism towards American policy, such as Iran, China, Pakistan and South Asia in general. I have to admit, I loved this subtle little dig by Obama, reminding America's detractors about how they got screwed over by natural disasters. The red states are probably loving that. Oh snap!

And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day.

Bet those vampire voters are regretting voting for him now.

know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and we are ready to lead once more.

You know that things are going to be awkward when someone wants to be “just friends”. Bad choice of words. Tension usually just builds during the uncomfortable “just friends” period, which usually climaxes (heh) with a big fight over a petty misunderstanding.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with the sturdy alliances and enduring convictions.

No, it was pretty much just with missiles and tanks. Or at least the deterrent threat of using them.

you cannot outlast us

Okay he’s young but it’s a bit presumptuous of him to act like he’s unlocked the mystery of eternal life.

We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers.

Suck on it, Mormons! Even the frigging atheists got a shout out. Unifying leader, my Aunt Fanny.

“…but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

What a softy. Republicans are going to construe this as indecisiveness on his part. He really makes himself sound naive here. So what, if I unclench my fist after socking you a couple of times with it you’ll just forgive me? How could you NOT try to mess with a country which sends out that message?

And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.


Invoking the image of being possessed by an outside force? He’s using scare tactics to influence the electorate faster than Bush did.

there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

Please be more specific about the KIND of difficult task I need to undertake which will satisfy my spirit.. Counting every grain of said across a stretch of beach is a difficult task but certainly won’t build my character. I’m afraid he has lost me here.

and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

In Obama’s dad’s case the reason they didn’t let him in was not because he was black, but because he was a cheapass tipper.

and with eyes fixed on the horizon.

Any coach will tell you that you should keep your eyes on the ball rather than look into the distance so the metaphor Obama is going for falls flat.. This whole “looking ahead to the horizon” thing of oft-used and needs to be recognized for what it is: a misleading and dangerous piece of advice. You should always be focusing on what you are going to do which will GET you ahead and towards that horizon. See, this is what’s wrong with America: you’re always looking ahead at the idealized goal you have in mind rather than look down and complete the task at hand.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

Hah! Another subtle bitch-slap. This time, by mentioning God twice, it was directed at the non-believers he was championing earlier. That love affair didn’t last long. So much for bringing about a change in Washington politics – he’s like any other politician in his ability to switch loyalties within minutes.

Fellow Crusaders (and our inspiration): The Darwin Awards

Although this website has been around for ages, when recently bringing it up in conversation, I realized that quite a few people had actually never heard of the Darwin Awards.

Per wikipedia, "A Darwin Award is a tongue-in-cheek 'honor' named after evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin. Awards have been given for people who 'do a service to Humanity by removing themselves from the Gene pool', i.e., lose the ability to reproduce either by death or sterilization in a stupid fashion."

If you haven't been here before, I can't recommend a better way to spend a boring afternoon - while I admit the subject matter is decidedly morbid, the abject idiocy the victims display pretty much frees you from guilt by laughing at someone else's, often fatal, misfortune. In this case, schadenfreude is not only acceptable, it is entirely justified.

I find the ones involving botched burglaries, etc to be the funniest. A couple of doozies: - Burglary attempt, victim awakes, hits burglar in crotch with crutch - cue fun - car thief likes setting fire to cars when he's done using them - i'm sure you see where this one is going - Palestinian terrorists, Israel switching from Daylight Savings, time bombs - you can't be serious. Oh yes, I very much am.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


The compulsive confessor is the bane of my existence - she really, truly makes me want to hurt someone. Before I explain why, a couple of caveats, sidenotes, legal disclaimers and the like:

While I don't know her personally, I've heard from people who do, that eM is an entirely normal person. This diatribe isn't meant to be a personal attack, it's just an indictment of her puke-inducing blog.

Before going into what I hate about the site, here's the ONE THING I absolutely love - the comments section. It is surely in the highest pantheon of blogs' comments sections - pure gold. Every post has literally tens of comments espousing diametrically opposed viewpoints, constantly battling with and belittling the other side. I love, love, love it. Whether you think she's a skanky whore or the leader of the indian sexual revolution - you have to give her credit, she polarizes like none other (except Hitler maybe. And perhaps Kobe Bryant).

That being said, here are all the reasons I hate this infernal blot on the internet:
1) The writing is putrid. I don't believe this statement needs any explanation - it is self evident.
2) I REFUSE to give credence to the ridiculous notion some of her supporters hold that she is somehow driving indian feminism forward. That's beyond absurd - all she is doing, is relating relatively boring, but somewhat sexual aspects of her life that tend to titillate the repressed indian sexual psyche. And yes, I know that through her writing it seems as if she has matured over the last couple of years, but I'm not giving her credit for that - it's what people in their mid-20s do. They mature. Hey, over the last three years, I think I have come closer to accepting the notion of being monogamous and spending the rest of my life with one woman - where's my cookie?
3) She got a fucking book deal out of this blog. I refuse to link to the relevant amazon webpage, because actually seeing her published work on amazon may make me spontaneously combust. Seriously. Am I jealous, you ask? Am I bitter? No fucking shit, of course I am. Her writing is of the same level as my soccer playing. And you don't see Arsenal handing me a contract, do you? In fact, sometimes, even my 8-on-8 co-ed soccer team benches me. And that's fine - because that skinny, tall blonde girl who kicks freakishly hard does sort of deserve to start ahead of me when she isn't still drunk from the night before. But I digress - my point is this, shouldn't there be some sort of writers' bench on which we can put eM? And more importantly, how would we "bench" her? Also, what's the co-ed soccer league equivalent of writing? Someone needs to answer these questions.
4) One quick note about her book - it's called "You are Here". I understand that by mentioning the name, I risk giving her free publicity in the shape of the four people who read this blog, but I have to make an important point - what the FUCK kind of name is that? Of course I'm here, you flipping idiot, where the fuck else would I be? There? I'm not some kind of magician now, am I? I'm always fucking "here" because that's what "here" means. "Here" is goddamned defined as wherever the fuck I currently am. Fuck me.
5) Lastly - the reason I hate this blog so much, is because it has managed to make my hate myself. No, really, there's nothing I abhor more than myself. Why, you ask? Let me count the ways:
i) I hate myself for ever having visited what is surely the literary equivalent of Dante's ninth circle of hell.
ii) I hate myself more for actually visiting the website on a fairly regular every-ten-days basis. Why? I have no fucking idea - I just can't stay away. Perhaps I'm a sucker for punishment; a masochist even. I knew enjoying being whipped by a 300-pound black woman was a sign of something - but this? THIS? It's just not fair.
iii) But, I hate myself the most, because in the event that I visit the devil's domain and the evil incarnate hasn't posted anything new, I'm actually mildly irritated, since now, I have nothing new to hate.
OH MY FUCKING GOD - I WANT her posts, I NEED her posts.
What have I become?

Mo money, Mo climaxes

So apparently after a couple more promotions, I'm going to be great in bed.

This article from Times Online posits that women are prone to having more orgasms when their partner is packing. That is to say, packing a hefty wallet.

Giving scientific fodder to millions of sexist guys and elevating a lot of jokes into the realm of fact, the article says:

He (Dr Thomas Pollet, the Newcastle University psychologist behind the research) believes the phenomenon is an “evolutionary adaptation” that is hard-wired into women, driving them to select men on the basis of their perceived quality.

The study is certain to prove controversial, suggesting that women are inherently programmed to be gold-diggers.
After JJY's Goldstar ad campaign, I thought twice about putting this link up due to a fear of this blog being misunderstood as sexist. The article does seem to have a slightly abrasive bent.

The female orgasm is the focus of much research because it appears to have no reproductive purpose. Women can become pregnant whatever their pleasure levels.
Wow. The author pretty much manages to call women sluts AND fickle.

Seriously though, this does sort of make sense. While I know a lot of women are into the whole "bad boy" thing, financial stability and security is more of a priority and this article is an affirmation of the rational nature of female evolutionary psychology.

I'm dying to end with another dig, but I wont.

This is a gay post

Its time I did society a big favor and officially declared “gay” a safe, non-political, non-sexually charged noun.

A year or so back, a friend of mine noticed that I had started a theme in my Facebook statuses wherein I constantly referred to certain events or situations as gay. Eg: “Pakistan losing the test series is gay”, “Having to visit relatives is gay”. I figured it was funny and people would realize I was just being intentionally ridiculous (“Shrimps and shellfish in general are gay”).

Well my friend didn’t think so. He was pretty offended by my use of the word “gay” and went on about how I was perpetuating a negative and degrading attitude towards homosexuals by my use of “gay” as an insult.

Now I don’t feel very strongly about too many things in life which, I feel, justifies how stubbornly unwavering I can be when I feel I have a real point. And my point is this: “gay” is completely harmless and, actually, a pretty neat word to use.

I have nothing against homosexuals. When I use “gay” in my speech, I’m not using it because I view gays negatively or associate unpleasantness with them. It’s just a really fun word to use; note how it roles off the tongue much easier than “lame” or “jerk” in my opinion. In fact, I’m almost sure that a lot of people who use “gay” when referring to something which displeases them don’t hold a deep resentment towards homosexuals. “Gay” has just become common parlance now. It comes so naturally in a sentence that I don’t even notice its occurrence – sort of on par with “like” and “y’know”.

And homosexuals need to chill out and stop being so self righteous about this. Yeah it sucks that a word which defines who you are is also being used by some people to refer to things they hate but hey, don’t take it personally. We can’t just remove words from our vocabulary because sects of society consider them slurs. What’s next? If nymphomania starts becoming recognized as a legitimate life choice, are we going to have to stop using “fucker”? Try telling my dad to stop using "bastard" if having children outside wedlock becomes a socially accepted norm - he freakin' loves that word.

I know part and parcel of the advancement of society is the tolerance and encouragement of elements in the past which were suppressed or considered taboo. That's progress I guess and I'm fine with that. But why should it have to come at the price of a great word? You cant tell me that the only thing keeping society from accepting homosexuals is the constant use of "gay" as an insult/adjective.

So from here on in, “gay” in its many myriad forms is totally acceptable.

This guy isn't getting another interview

Talk about bringing your agenda with you to your job. While I was all for the grilling, the whole "will you promise to apologize" bit at the end was kind of childish.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Well, that's not really fair either

Her:Have I ever told you that I like your pencil
Him: Really?
Her: Hmm, it writes very smoothly.
Him: Thanks, babe.
Her: And, you know, it's manageable.
Him: Manageable?
Her: Yup
Him: What do you mean, "manageable?"
Her: What are you getting mad about? I meant it as a compliment.
Him: Compliment?! How is that a compliment?
Her: What's wrong with you? I was just saying that I liked your pencil.
Him: Yes - because it's "manageable."
Her: So?
Him: Does this mean you've used pencils that were less "manageable" before?
Her: I don't understand...
Him: You know very well what I mean.
Her: Well...
Him: I'll have you know that this pencil has always been very well
received. ALWAYS.
Her: Yes, I can see why. I just told you...
Him: No! It wasn't because of it's apparent manageability. In fact, it was mostly complimented for it's impressive length - with or without the eraser on the back. Wait a second. What was the last pencil you used?
Her: What?! I refuse to answer that question.
Him: Tell me.
Her: No.
Him: Was it one of those new-fangled mechanical ones?
Her: Stop it.
Him: You can't compare a normal pencil to one of those! That's not fair, you know.
Her: I said, stop it! You're being ridiculous.
Him: I'm right then, aren't I.
Her: No - you're not even close. It was a color pencil.

Why the hell not - everybody else is getting some

In a somewhat surreal turn of events, the Porn industry will request the Federal government for a $5BN bailout.

While skeptical at first, I was convinced by Flynt's following argument,"'People are too depressed to be sexually active,' Flynt said in the statement. 'This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.'"

I dare you to disagree. Also, if you have the time, I recommend that you read the Comments section - some real gems in there. A couple of my favorites:

"Gives a whole new meaning to the words 'Stimulus Package'!"

"He probably would've had better luck with that request during the Clinton Administration."

(Link via email from EC)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Gender Study: Would you like to have a drink?

The above is a Goldstar beer commercial - they seem to have run an entire campaign based on the theme, including this and this. But what do the feminists think?

(Link via email from ZZ)

The View Outside My Window

With apologies to Andrew Sullivan.


JJY’s book reference a couple of posts down got me thinking. The market is flooded with these “self-help” books, if that’s the right term. A bunch of authors out there think they know how they can make your life better, or less crap than it presently is, and are willing to systematically explain their methods.

And I’m not going to make fun of them.

I think its pretty sweet for someone to think they can help others out, even if their solutions to life’s problems are based on a very narrow or skewed understanding of other people’s priorities. I think it’s considerably more noble to try and tell people what you have learned in your life which could help them, rather than simply elaborate on what a gigantic skank you are (for an example of the latter, please read an upcoming post by JJY). That's why I don't dislike Tom Cruise for preaching Scientology - in his mind he feels it'll help people.

So let it not be said that whatastupidity never shares its select wisdom with others. In the interests of enlightenment, I will now divulge one of my own socio-cultural codes which, I feel, just may enrich the lives of any readers flexible and open-minded enough to give it a try.

It’s a new sexual position I call Incinerate-her. I invented it myself.

(Get it? Pronounced like, “incinerator”, but with the “her” in the end)

Basically you start off by lighting a small fire (I should mention that this position isn’t conducive to the indoors so if your partner is one of those outdoorsy types then this should be right up his/her alley).

Now the fire should be a few paces away from the couple – I would say an approximate distance of about 10 feet (more or less depending on stamina and strength of either party – more on that later).

The couple assumes a position wherein the guy is sitting up on his knees and is entering the girl from behind (not behind as in her rear end – he is just behind her). This is where I borrow from doggystyle a little, since that is essentially how the couple are supposed to be in relation to each other. However, with incinerate-her, the girl is more lying (in a crawl position) on her belly rather than on her haunches. Also, the guy may not want to be sitting up straight on both knees. He may went to use one of his feet for leverage.

Leverage? Crawl? Not sounding too sexual? Well that is the entire point, you see.

Incinerate-her revolves around the guy trying to push the girl into the fire using jerky, forceful pelvic thrusts to push her forward. The girl, on the other hand, will try to escape that fate by going the opposite direction - crawling back via frantic, backward thrusts of her rear end. She may use her arms to heave herself back. Picture it as a sort of tug-of-war, at least the to-and-fro part.

It is this struggle for survival which provides the impetus and the charm of this position. Normal sexual positions are so one-dimensional. What motive do you have for missionary or cowgirl, other than the simple pleasure of a quickie?

With incinerate-her, it is not only the joy of love-making, but the thrill of possible bodily harm which drives the couple’s energy and enthusiasm. I personally feel it’s a very poetic position. What is sex but ultimately a means towards creating new life. And how poetic is it that this sexual position depends on ones zeal to take a life, and anothers to preserve it. In a way, incinerate-her makes one value the end-product of sex: life.

Practically, incinerate-her is a very versatile position. For one thing, homosexuals can practice it as well. At least the male ones. How many homosexuals do you know who try missionary or cowgirl? None, as they’re not homosexually possible. All homosexuals pretty much have is doggystyle. Well, they can add incinerate-her to the mix. And if they do, I’d rather they keep the title. “Incinerate-him” doesn’t sound too classy.

Also, if you’re not one for outdoors, this position is great in the kitchen. Just turn on your oven and use it as a make shift fireplace and keep the oven door open. You see? Basically, you’re trying to force your partner into the oven. Pretty neat, right? If you’re a married couple, you probably do it a lot in the kitchen. Does your wife/husband ever look sexier then when she’s cooking a meal for you? I’ve always felt that a kitchen is the ideal location for impromptu, spontaneous sex. But its such a drag finding room or making your way back to the bedroom. Incinerate-her allows you to turn your kitchen into a sex-toy. Just grab your woman and start trying to toss her into the oven. Or grab your man and dare him to.

Watch this space for more tips.

When I grow up, I want to be like Mr. Cerny

I would highly recommend checking out this piece on a brilliant new mosaic meant to,

"symbolize the glory of a unified Europe by reflecting something special about each country in the European Union."

So what really happened?

"In the case of "Entropa," Mr. Cerny presented the piece as the work of 27 artists, one from each country. But it was all a huge hoax. After being challenged by reporters this week, Mr. Cerny admitted that he and two of his friends constructed the whole thing themselves, making up the names of artists, giving some of them Web sites and writing pretentious, absurd statements to go with their supposed contributions."

Slideshow with pictures (Germany is my favorite):

(Link acknowledgement: BC, BC)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Hakuna Matata

Note: Names have been changed in a rather pathetic attempt to protect the identities of those involved.

exchange below is again, from a business school forum, and although almost a year old, is still quite amusing. A few points for background information:

1) YayHBS123, a student at HBS, is a really nice guy who has genuinely helped quite a few people through the application process. His inclusion in this post is purely contextual.

2) CantwaittobeYayHBS124 has just been admitted, and is thanking YayHBS123 for his help. While also a decent enough human being, his presence is integral

The post itself:
Originally Posted by YayHBS123

Even without my help you would have got in... And now that you are here, do not forget to pay it forward. Very soon, someone is going to ... ask for your help. At that time ... help them with all your energy.

Reply Posted by CantwaittobeYayHBS124

Yes Yay,
You're absolutely right.

My favourite movie Lionking says - "In the circle of should never take more than you the circle of life!!"

I will remember that.


For more, please see this, this and this.

A-weema-weh A-weema weh A-weema-weh A-weema-weh. In the jungle, the mighty jungle...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


The following represents the kind of self-indulgent post you are not likely to see on this blog. I’ve tried to simulate the kind of writing which has upset me over the years.

“Hey sorry I’ve been away for so long and haven’t been able to write. Life has been so hectic. It seems like every time I look around there’s another obstacle in my way, another roadblock in my highway of hope.

Today was one of those days where you know life is going to throw a curveball your way, and rather than try to smack it out of the park its best to just watch it slide easily into the catcher’s mitt so you get a chance to appreciate all its complexities.

I started off the day by waking up and brushing my teeth. At breakfast mom was on my case about my lack of a serious relationship. Why, oh, why mom, do we have this dance every morning? Is a quiet breakfast too much to ask for? Suddenly, my father flashed me that knowing smile he reserves for me when he knows I’m depressed. Its funny isn’t it, how the tiniest of gestures can make the world of difference? I think that’s what life is all about: the little things.

On my way to work an incredibly interesting thing happened. I took a shorter route and noticed a new billboard being erected at a junction. I couldn’t help but stop a while and admire the paradox right in front of me. Here, in a matter of hours, was a work of art for everyone to see. And it is a work of art, isn’t it? It’s a creation. It sends a message. It communicates through visual imagery. But then the paradox: it’s an advertisement. Do commercials represent a defilement of art? Should all art be lofty and highbrow? Does a work of art require an estrangement from worldly conventions? Is the billboard painter an artist? Am I gay? As I stood there and pondered these questions, I realized that this may be what life is all about: the eternal paradox.

Work was the usual. My boss was out of town so I was able to take a longer lunch break. I ate a sandwich. Chicken and mayo with a slice of cheese. Make that two slices of cheese. And the bread had the crust cut off. Poor crust – banished from my meal due to its insignificance and incongruity in taste in relation to the white center. That got me thinking about the race issue in America. Do white people represent the white portion of the bread while the minorities are the crust? We are so quick to cut off the crust. But do we ever try to UNDERSTAND the crust? Maybe the crust can gel with the rest of the sandwich. Maybe we should compromise for the sake of the crust. Including it in my meal would be more enriching. Sitting at the lunch table, I realized that life is about not discarding the crust.”

Anyway, I could go on but you get the general gist. I was initially pretty averse to blogging since the judgmental streak in me couldn’t fathom why anyone should care about a total stranger writing about their life as if it means anything to anyone.

This is not a mission statement though. Im pretty sure JJY and I (if we ever make it big, that’ll be the title of our biographical movie) will comment about some aspect of our personal lives and experiences. Where else can we get material from? But it probably won’t be in the nature of an itemized rundown of your day. Though there are exceptions. For example, if I bang a model, you can be sure I’ll be posting a very detailed description of the entire 24 hours surrounding that event.

Flying solo

In a fabulous display of idiocy, this man failed on approximately seventeen different counts in his attempt to fake his own death by jumping out of his plane and letting it crash in a Florida swamp.

My favorite bit:

"A man with Mr Shrenker's identification apparently checked into a hotel in Alabama after the crash, telling police he had been in a canoeing accident, before being seen running away into some nearby woods. "

How did he think that would work? How?

(Link acknowledgment: F-machine)

Best Book Ever?

An user has posted perhaps the most poignant book review I have ever read. Unfortunately, his experience with the novel seems to be atypical - every copy I bought lacked the most integral piece...if you see a sudden surge in Rhonda Byrne books on ebay, you'll know why.

Update: For some reason, Amazon decided to delete the review. The link above now points to the cached version from google.

Cause and effect

Given my recent immersion in the business school application process, it was only a matter of time before I stumbled upon the various forums that engage in fervent discussion on the abovementioned soul-searching (sucking?) process.

Businessweek and GMATClub are the two most popular, as far as I know, and in addition to providing a wealth of information, they have also served tremendously well as sources of entertainment.

Case in point:

First, some background - the fellow quoted below seems like a perfectly likable chap, but has sadly been subject to a spate of rejections from various business schools. This must have LED to an incredible amount of detailed introspection on his part, because after much deliberation and reflection, this is what he said:

"One of my friends corrected a big mistake I made throughout the applications. The past tense of 'Lead' is 'Led". I have been using 'Lead' everywhere unknown to the fact that I was making a mistake. I thought lead is like read. What a stupidity...
One of the possible reasons for my dings so far."

At first, I laughed. Then, I felt badly. But at the end of the day, all I had to offer was concurrence - what a stupidity, indeed.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Stupid is as stupid does

I've been meaning to blog for a long while now, but haven't gotten around to it due to a combination of real life commitments, deadlines, responsibilities, and most of all, abject laziness. Until now.

Most posts on this blog will be entirely fictional episodes, or at best (worst?), seriously exaggerated accounts based on relatively mundane happenings in my life and the lives of people I know.

I'll probably also link to stories I find interesting or funny, but mostly those that recount examples of inconceivable stupidity.

Lastly, I will almost always aim to be funny, and often fail. Humour me.

And oh, I have an affinity for commas and like using the semi-colon, even when not appropriate. Just so you know.