Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Networking 101

Please find below an email sent a couple of days ago to someone I know.
I've included it in full, and added my analysis after. This is a long one, so settle down, grab a Milwaukee's Best Light, and read on...


From: Ballsy F. Buffoon
To: Potential.Cradlesnatcher@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG
Subject: Hey
Sent: Feb 21, 2009 4:14 AM

Hey Potential,

We met at (Animal house fraternity) last night. I'm the '12 you didn't wanna show yor tits to.
You're an '03 on Wall Street. You asked me If I needed something, anything. I've been stuck trying to find private equity internships in (major European city) for this summer. Can you help?

Best regards,
Ballsy Buffoon

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T


Initially, I wasn't sure how to break this gem down, but I've decided to keep it simple, judging the email on it's Tone, Structure and Content. One quick note before we get to the email itself - even though the email is relatively coherent, given that Ballsy sent it out at 4.14AM on a Friday night / Saturday morning, I'm going to assume he's had a few Natty Ices. Not that it affects my critique in any way, but I thought it worth noting. Anyhow, down to business then...


Starts out with a "hey," which is appropriately casual, using the cougar's first name as well, thus indicating a degree of familiarity. Short sentences in the body, basically statements of facts - no
arguments there either. And lastly, solid professional sign-off with a "best regards" and usage of the writer's full name - making it clear to the reader that while a degree of comfort had clearly been achieved through their interactions, this email (and the writer's intentions) is definitely all business.

Grade: B+ (Would have been an A- if he hadn't used "wanna" - I don't really like that word. Makes me think of this:


Overall, Ballsy does a decent job of following structural guidelines to networking emails, as explained to me by numerous recruiters. The one glaring issue is his complete lack of specifics. But he's a freshman after all - I mean, when I was a freshman, I'm relatively certain I would have lost interest in the woman after the titties incident (and my freshman summer was much less about PE, and much more about...well, this isn't really about me so let's just move on).

Back to the structure - 1) Establishes where they met. 2) Establishes who he is. 3) Establishes who she is and what she does, and then gently reminds her that she had been keen to help him (in case she had forgotten, probably because that was the last thing she had said before passing out). 4) Establishes what he hopes to achieve, as well as where and when he hopes to do so. 5) Makes a to-the-point query as to her ability to assist him in his endeavors.

Grade: B- (I would have liked some more specificity as to what he wants to do, and what he remembers of what she does / how that could potentially help him)


What the fuck is wrong with this kid? On the one hand, given that he's probably only 19 fucking years old, I have to give him credit for having the balls to write this email (hence the pseudonym). Also, props for getting a professional, possibly successful woman, NINE! years your senior, to "asked me If[sic] I needed something, anything." On the other hand, major points deductions for alcohol being heavily involved in both those incidents (probably much more so in the second than the first...but still). Anyway, on to the sentence by sentence breakdown:

1) Okay, so you met at a fraternity - so far so good, but with potential for trouble ahead.

2) So her refusing to show you her boobs was the best you could come up with from a "remember me" perspective? You clearly spoke to this woman for a considerable length of time, given what's said later reallllly couldn't come up with anything else? Nothing at all? Perhaps something a little more fucking relevant like, "I'm the freshman that wanted to work with a PE firm in (major European city)." But no, you went with the titties episode. And she didn't even fcking show them to you! Wait, I'm actually not sure if that's better or worse - from this email's perspective. I mean...from that night's perspective it's obviously worse. How does the following sound, "I'm the '12 you showed your tits to." Hmm, that's probably more embarrassing for ol' Potential Cradlesnatcher, so I guess it's for the best (again, from this email's
perspective), that you didn't get to see her jugs.

3a) I'm glad you highlight that she's an '03 compared to you being a '12. That won't make her feel old at all. And I hate when people say "on Wall Street" What the fuck does that even mean? Who the fck is even on Wall Street anymore? Deutsche? Asif, the fruit-seller? Ahmed, the coffee cart guy? At least fucking say what she does / where she works / anything that shows you were paying a little fucking attention to something besides her luscious breasts. They must have been nice...pity we don't have a picture of the girl. For now. God I love titties.

3b) "you asked me If I needed something, anything" Nice...reads like this is exactly what she said, verbatim. While it is impressive that you managed to get her to say this, it probably isn't the best way to relay it - I mean, it makes her sound like a desperate, drunken idiot (given that she's a working 28-yr-old talking to a 19-yr-old-just-started-college-kid). Also, it could lead to people (like me) calling her Potential Cradlesnatcher, and that doesn't help anybody. Next time, dial it down a notch, brosephus. Not sure why I felt the need to say "brosephus" there, but it felt appropriate. Other terms that could have worked: broski, broseph, brah, broheim, and of course, bro-asaurus rex. For living, breathing embodiments, check this out.

4) Don't say you've "been stuck", bro-asaurus rex, just say you're pursuing numerous avenues or something equally vague while still giving the impression that you have many options. And the "can you help?" while admirable for it's no-nonsense-ness, is a little too direct for my liking. Toss in a, "would be great if you could help" or "I was hoping to speak with you regarding...". I understand that you asked this girl to show her your tits last night, but now the sun is out, most of the alcohol has worn off, and she's probably just realllllllllly hungover - so be nice, and show a little respect.

5) The sign-off. I know I covered this in the Tone section already, but I loved it so much, I had to bring it up again. I don't think we'll ever see another email that contains the line, "didn't wanna show yor tits to," and ends with, "Best Regards, Full Name of Sender." Just fantastic all around.

6) The Post-Script as added by the network provider: I REALLY like this. Having a blackberry speaks volumes more about your professionalism than one of those media-centric iPhones. And it's signficantly better than blitzing ( Significantly.


i) In terms of fulfilling the purpose of the email: F-

ii) Entertainment: B+ (more ridiculousness was necessary for an A, e.g., "I'm the guy you sucked off last night," "I'm the guy who prematurely ejaculated on your expensive shoes that you had to wear to work the next day because you were going straight to work from the airport," and so forth...feel free to add your own version in the Comments section)

As an aside, for those interested in understanding the social significance of "blitzing", refer here:

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

And now for the Worst of the Boss

Given that I couldn't find The Wrestler online as a single track, I downloaded Springsteen's entire latest album, "Working on a Dream." While the album as a whole isn't awful (there are some catchy melodies), I thought the following song had the worst Springsteen lyrics I have ever seen:



But then I remembered this:

A Few Random Thoughts on The Wrestler, the future Mrs. JJY, possibly the worst way to die, etc

I can't believe Bruce Springsteen's, "The Wrestler" wasn't nominated for an Oscar. It was the best film song of the year. Period. And the lyrics are fabulous. I stayed through the end credits just to listen to them.
And then you hear about how the song was written, and the long, albeit fragmented (and now much publicized), friendship Springsteen and Rourke have shared, and it becomes that much more special:
I found the rest of the interview to be worth a read as well.

Just thought I'd also mention, that I'm going to date her next.
And when things inevitably fall through due to the 15 year age difference, I'm going to marry this one.

Without giving too much away about the fate suffered by this poor 14-yr-old boy, I will say that it involved his rectum, and the chair he was sitting on. As always, beware of Chinese manufacturing.

And from now on, may I suggest sitting on one of these. Not only does it strengthen your core and improve your posture, but it also won't anally violate you.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

At the age of six, while you were picking your nose...

This kid has received a scholarship from the French Football Federation, and is apparently being tracked by the Devil himself (otherwise known as Real Madrid):

While I was initially disturbed by the fact that a six-year-old was being fought over, on actually watching the video and seeing what he could do, I'm convinced that he could probably start for Arsenal today (he's definitely better than Song. And Eboue. Ugh). Additionally, he's already taller than Messi, so I suppose he's fair game.

This also reminded me of the australian nine year old who Man Utd signed a couple of years ago:

Moral of the story, if you have kids, get cracking...I know my baby isn't going to get any food until he successfully Marseille's me.

So what will you look like at 60?

I can't decide if this link is creepy or basically shows what a model would look like from the ages of 10 to 60. Personally, I like the picture of her at 50 best, but you're obviously inclined to your own opinion. Except for picking the first picture.
Please don't do that.
Also, if any Francophile would like to translate what each of the pictures says (or even just present the gist), feel free. It seems to me that they've listed potential products that the pictures could be used to advertise, but that's just a guess.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This'll drive up the male readership!


What, I need to say something?

Alright fine.

Apparently this young lady, at 38KKK, just set a tit world record. And you have to admire her commitment. Apparently, the state of Texas capped her breast enlargements at 34 FFF. Talk about your glass ceilings. Ms. Hershey (if that's her real last name, she is set in the porn industry) would have none of it. Her zeal to be the best (yeah, you'd think i'd try to be funny and say "breast") took her all the way to Brazil, where she finally achieved her life's goal of the magical KKK.

You know, scoff if you will, but in her own way, how is she any different from Michael Phelps?


For Phelps, it was the number 8 which held special significance. 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics (or something like that) was his dream and he sacrificed a lot to achieve it.

For her, it was the triple K's. She gave up a lot too. She dumped her man because he wouldn't back her up. If that doesn't put a tear in your eye, you're a dick. This is the kind of stuff those inspirational movies are made of.

Both of them, in their own respective fields, wanted to excel; be better than the rest; top everything which had come before. And I think its a shame that Phelps is treated like an American hero while poor Ms. Hershey is probably the butt of a million breast jokes.

So Sheyla Hershey: we at whatastupidity salute you.

Screw you, Phelps.

Am I going to hell for posting this?

Im sure the U.S. government is to blame for this, somehow.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

BONUS Links for the Day (non Recession related)

1) Russia's Owliest (i.e., he looks like an owl. Seriously) footballer is coming to Ashburton. Thank fucking God. Come on you Gunners!

Andrei, meet Cesc. Cesc, meet Andrei. Excellent.

For an Owly picture:

2) If this man had died, he would undoubtedly have won a Darwin Award. Sadly, he didn't, so he didn't. He did get arrested for possession of coke however, so there's that.

The relevant piece:

"Police said Melendez called 911 late Saturday and reported that two men with guns were watching him.

Police records show he hung up, so the dispatcher called back. Melendez answered and asked the dispatcher to hold on, but the dispatcher could still hear what was being said.

A voice can be heard on the recording of the call saying: "What you need? A 10-pack? You need a 10-pack? All right." Police say "10-pack" is slang for a bundle of heroin."


3) Christian Bale goes off on a lighting dude (director of photography?), for distracting him during "the most emotional scene" in Terminator: Salvation. A tremendously entertaining 4 minutes. For a minute, I thought Patrick Bateman was back.

Original Audio:


The Club Mix:

Recession Specials of the Day

Given that we're bang in the middle of a recession, I thought I'd
provide you with a few how-the-recession-is-affecting-our-lives links:

1) NY Mag's famed Grub Street has effectively been retitled, "Recession
Is Your Friend," and they're telling us that high-end New York
restaurants are slashing their prices in an effort to entice us to come
in (with unemployment checks or otherwise)

2) Also, those same restaurants are being much, much nicer to us,
because all of a sudden, it's realllllly easy to get a table at a
Chanterelle, or one of Batali's 200 Italian eateries

3) Excellent set of recommendations from NY Mag's recession-special
"Live Cheap" guide on how to "Eat Like a Prince at a Pauper's Price"
(catchy title, that).

I would personally recommend the $28 lunch at Jean Georges - I
completely agree that it's "the best $28 you can spend on food today."
If you have $28, that is. On the other hand, that could also get you 4
lamb-and-rices and 1 gyro from the world-famous Chicken and Rice cart on
53rd and it's a toss up, really.

4) My favorite of NY Mag's "Live Cheap" suggestions: why waste money on
dates, when you could just microwave Ramen and bang your ex. Good times.

Oh, read the comments too. Especially this one: "I have sex with my ex
all the time. I trained him too well to let another relationship get in
the way."

5) If you want to make a quick buck, move to Croatia, have a child,
threaten to give him or her a non-traditional name, and BANG!, just like
that the Croatian church will give you 1000 kunas to name your kid Luka
(no, not the one who lived on the second floor...I hope).,27574,25010512-401,00.html

Links courtesy Tong, BC BC

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Because nothing's fun alone

y favorite commercial of the year - and no, it's not from the Superbowl, because quite frankly, I can't imagine this ad being shown on American television.

Also, the punchline is just brilliant - definitely didn't see that coming. And no, that's not what I meant, get your mind out of the gutter.

Monday, February 2, 2009

When I grow up...

I'm going to provide zero commentary for this link, because I don't want to ruin it for you. I will say this though - it involves strippers.

And, fyi, I still don't know if I believe her or not...