Sunday, January 18, 2009

Nemesis

The compulsive confessor is the bane of my existence - she really, truly makes me want to hurt someone. Before I explain why, a couple of caveats, sidenotes, legal disclaimers and the like:

While I don't know her personally, I've heard from people who do, that eM is an entirely normal person. This diatribe isn't meant to be a personal attack, it's just an indictment of her puke-inducing blog.

Before going into what I hate about the site, here's the ONE THING I absolutely love - the comments section. It is surely in the highest pantheon of blogs' comments sections - pure gold. Every post has literally tens of comments espousing diametrically opposed viewpoints, constantly battling with and belittling the other side. I love, love, love it. Whether you think she's a skanky whore or the leader of the indian sexual revolution - you have to give her credit, she polarizes like none other (except Hitler maybe. And perhaps Kobe Bryant).

That being said, here are all the reasons I hate this infernal blot on the internet:
1) The writing is putrid. I don't believe this statement needs any explanation - it is self evident.
2) I REFUSE to give credence to the ridiculous notion some of her supporters hold that she is somehow driving indian feminism forward. That's beyond absurd - all she is doing, is relating relatively boring, but somewhat sexual aspects of her life that tend to titillate the repressed indian sexual psyche. And yes, I know that through her writing it seems as if she has matured over the last couple of years, but I'm not giving her credit for that - it's what people in their mid-20s do. They mature. Hey, over the last three years, I think I have come closer to accepting the notion of being monogamous and spending the rest of my life with one woman - where's my cookie?
3) She got a fucking book deal out of this blog. I refuse to link to the relevant amazon webpage, because actually seeing her published work on amazon may make me spontaneously combust. Seriously. Am I jealous, you ask? Am I bitter? No fucking shit, of course I am. Her writing is of the same level as my soccer playing. And you don't see Arsenal handing me a contract, do you? In fact, sometimes, even my 8-on-8 co-ed soccer team benches me. And that's fine - because that skinny, tall blonde girl who kicks freakishly hard does sort of deserve to start ahead of me when she isn't still drunk from the night before. But I digress - my point is this, shouldn't there be some sort of writers' bench on which we can put eM? And more importantly, how would we "bench" her? Also, what's the co-ed soccer league equivalent of writing? Someone needs to answer these questions.
4) One quick note about her book - it's called "You are Here". I understand that by mentioning the name, I risk giving her free publicity in the shape of the four people who read this blog, but I have to make an important point - what the FUCK kind of name is that? Of course I'm here, you flipping idiot, where the fuck else would I be? There? I'm not some kind of magician now, am I? I'm always fucking "here" because that's what "here" means. "Here" is goddamned defined as wherever the fuck I currently am. Fuck me.
5) Lastly - the reason I hate this blog so much, is because it has managed to make my hate myself. No, really, there's nothing I abhor more than myself. Why, you ask? Let me count the ways:
i) I hate myself for ever having visited what is surely the literary equivalent of Dante's ninth circle of hell.
ii) I hate myself more for actually visiting the website on a fairly regular every-ten-days basis. Why? I have no fucking idea - I just can't stay away. Perhaps I'm a sucker for punishment; a masochist even. I knew enjoying being whipped by a 300-pound black woman was a sign of something - but this? THIS? It's just not fair.
iii) But, I hate myself the most, because in the event that I visit the devil's domain and the evil incarnate hasn't posted anything new, I'm actually mildly irritated, since now, I have nothing new to hate.
OH MY FUCKING GOD - I WANT her posts, I NEED her posts.
What have I become?

9 comments:

  1. Wait, Hitler is a polarizing figure? Where exactly are his legions of supporters, can I ask?

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  2. How is Hitler not polarizing, bhai? On the one hand you have scores of people who disagreed with his policies and actions. On the other hand you have Mel Gibson and his dad.

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  3. I guess it wasn't clear, but I obviously meant in his time. I believe there were a fair number of people in his corner in the 30s and the first half of the 40s.

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  4. What do u mean Hitler was not polarizing? I for one am a complete supporter of his policies

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  5. That's because you are a gay.

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  6. Ahsan Butt from fiverupeesJanuary 19, 2009 at 7:16 AM

    No. The gayest am I.

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  7. hahahahaha

    I so hear ya brotha ... esp the whole book deal thing but hey, you gotta admit, she is lucky.


    PS: You rant in style.

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  8. ...
    stop reading her blog.
    What a stupidity.

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  9. In one my random blogging sessions, I came across a blog of an underground musician from Pakistan and it kick started a vicious chain reaction: Complete outrage -> Write angry comment -> not submit -> read again -> slight bemuse-ment -> visit again -> ..and again - > Be miffed when no new updates -> search for on facebook -> Be miffed; Turns out he's friend's with an ex -> hate more -> ask questions from other common friends about the writer -> read old blog entries -> Be downright bummed at no updates -> refresh blogroll manytimes to see if new stuff on -> jump on seat when new post shows up -> start listening to his radioshow -> talk about him -> dream about him -> talking about him on other blogs

    Yeah so you dont even get to say nothing! A hardcore feminist like me is almost stalking an obnoxious dick. eM is so much better than him...

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