Incinerate-her

JJY’s book reference a couple of posts down got me thinking. The market is flooded with these “self-help” books, if that’s the right term. A bunch of authors out there think they know how they can make your life better, or less crap than it presently is, and are willing to systematically explain their methods.

And I’m not going to make fun of them.

I think its pretty sweet for someone to think they can help others out, even if their solutions to life’s problems are based on a very narrow or skewed understanding of other people’s priorities. I think it’s considerably more noble to try and tell people what you have learned in your life which could help them, rather than simply elaborate on what a gigantic skank you are (for an example of the latter, please read an upcoming post by JJY). That's why I don't dislike Tom Cruise for preaching Scientology - in his mind he feels it'll help people.

So let it not be said that whatastupidity never shares its select wisdom with others. In the interests of enlightenment, I will now divulge one of my own socio-cultural codes which, I feel, just may enrich the lives of any readers flexible and open-minded enough to give it a try.

It’s a new sexual position I call Incinerate-her. I invented it myself.

(Get it? Pronounced like, “incinerator”, but with the “her” in the end)

Basically you start off by lighting a small fire (I should mention that this position isn’t conducive to the indoors so if your partner is one of those outdoorsy types then this should be right up his/her alley).

Now the fire should be a few paces away from the couple – I would say an approximate distance of about 10 feet (more or less depending on stamina and strength of either party – more on that later).

The couple assumes a position wherein the guy is sitting up on his knees and is entering the girl from behind (not behind as in her rear end – he is just behind her). This is where I borrow from doggystyle a little, since that is essentially how the couple are supposed to be in relation to each other. However, with incinerate-her, the girl is more lying (in a crawl position) on her belly rather than on her haunches. Also, the guy may not want to be sitting up straight on both knees. He may went to use one of his feet for leverage.

Leverage? Crawl? Not sounding too sexual? Well that is the entire point, you see.

Incinerate-her revolves around the guy trying to push the girl into the fire using jerky, forceful pelvic thrusts to push her forward. The girl, on the other hand, will try to escape that fate by going the opposite direction - crawling back via frantic, backward thrusts of her rear end. She may use her arms to heave herself back. Picture it as a sort of tug-of-war, at least the to-and-fro part.

It is this struggle for survival which provides the impetus and the charm of this position. Normal sexual positions are so one-dimensional. What motive do you have for missionary or cowgirl, other than the simple pleasure of a quickie?

With incinerate-her, it is not only the joy of love-making, but the thrill of possible bodily harm which drives the couple’s energy and enthusiasm. I personally feel it’s a very poetic position. What is sex but ultimately a means towards creating new life. And how poetic is it that this sexual position depends on ones zeal to take a life, and anothers to preserve it. In a way, incinerate-her makes one value the end-product of sex: life.

Practically, incinerate-her is a very versatile position. For one thing, homosexuals can practice it as well. At least the male ones. How many homosexuals do you know who try missionary or cowgirl? None, as they’re not homosexually possible. All homosexuals pretty much have is doggystyle. Well, they can add incinerate-her to the mix. And if they do, I’d rather they keep the title. “Incinerate-him” doesn’t sound too classy.

Also, if you’re not one for outdoors, this position is great in the kitchen. Just turn on your oven and use it as a make shift fireplace and keep the oven door open. You see? Basically, you’re trying to force your partner into the oven. Pretty neat, right? If you’re a married couple, you probably do it a lot in the kitchen. Does your wife/husband ever look sexier then when she’s cooking a meal for you? I’ve always felt that a kitchen is the ideal location for impromptu, spontaneous sex. But its such a drag finding room or making your way back to the bedroom. Incinerate-her allows you to turn your kitchen into a sex-toy. Just grab your woman and start trying to toss her into the oven. Or grab your man and dare him to.

Watch this space for more tips.