A Poem for Umar Akmal

It’s a testament to how beautiful and thrilling a talent Umar Akmal is that even a breezy yet ballsy 50 can inspire a song. I call this one:

"The man of my dreams"

Dear Umar Akmal, pardon my candour, as I express my feelings without the slightest hesitation.

I feel no shame in admitting, that the manner of your latest innings, has me questioning my sexual orientation.

You scored only 50, itself a mere trickle, compared to the landslide put up by the opposing side.

However your score isn’t important, it’s the way you carried yourself, which had me glowing with pride.

You came out to bat in a desperate situation as the wickets around you had started to fall.

The Aussies thought, that you’d follow suit, but they underestimated the gargantuan size of your balls.

You tackled the situation, with grave determination, yet also with your brand of derring-do.

While you were decisive, forthright and aggressive, our top 3 batsman didn’t have a clue.

The zenith of your awesomeness was summarized in 6 balls, in an over bowled by Peter Siddle.

He tried to stir you up with taunts and threats, but you weren’t about to be dragged into a quibble.

I bet Siddle figured, his words would leave you triggered, and you’d lose your head as his over began to take shape.

That never happened, because by now your skills you have sharpened, and his bowling you then proceeded to rape.

The first shot was nothing more, then stand and deliver, and you swung your bat like a knife.

And as the ball whistled through the outfield, a million Pakistani women must have wished you’d take them as your wife.

The next shot was more classical, a work of art in fact, a pull shot in front of square.

The Aussie fans were stunned, the commentators were speechless, as you showcased your natural flair.

So Siddle collected himself, went back to his run-up, and promised Ponting that the situation is one he could fix.

But you see its not that simple, Umar cannot simply be popped out like a pimple, and the next ball was short-arm pulled for six.

By this time even the Australian players had no choice but to applaud you for your aggressive force.

Meanwhile panic in the Siddle camp, as his embarrassed wife had filed for divorce.

The Australians were on the backfoot, Siddle was a wreck, things weren’t going according to plan.

Surely Umar must be finished by now, but no, the genius still had time to guide another boundary down to third man.

Now how does one sum up such a sensational spell of batting even though the context of the game it may not influence.

You gotta hand it to the young guy, since he is the only player to take on the Aussies with any semblance of impudence.

With a technique so unblemished, a heart so pure, no one can accuse you of gaddari.

Forget the repealed NRO, Umar Akmal will be the man to unseat Asif Zardari.

There is a rumor going around, that after you got back to the locker-room, you received a booty call from Angelina Jolie.

But even though you are not a Shia, you still respect Muharram, and refused to engage in an untoward act because it’s a time to be holy.

Though you are by no means a prude, and that is evident by how you, keep up with the latest fashion trends.

I know it’s a well kept secret in your family, that you stole all of elder brother Kamran’s girlfriends.

Shane Watson was given the task to unsettle Umar, a challenge as daunting as scaling Mount Everest.

Watson’s attempt at swing, was smothered by Akmal, who took two steps down the track to prove who is cleverest.

What other player, can claim to confuse the Aussie thinktank, as the wicketkeeper now stands up to the stumps.

I hear Umar Akmal is so pure biologically, that the toilet smells like daisies after he takes a dump.

Some might complain that the manner of Umar’s dismissal was weak, and his attacking instincts he should shelve.

I would simply, calmly, and succinctly tell such observers, that if they cant be happy they should go and fuck themselves.

You see Umar is perfect the way he is, any change would damage our courtship.

Now I must bid you all adieu, and return to my shrine, in which a life size mannequin of Umar I do worship.