Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Federer lays down biological marker for Nadal

So that’s 60 singles titles. 15 grandslams. 21 straight semi-finals. A career grandslam.

Oh yeah – and twins on the first go.

Beat that Nadal.
Beat that and you’ll go down as the best male tennis player of all time. And you only get to capitalize the “male” part if you can accomplish that last feast.

In keeping with his phenomenal year, Federer has done it again by producing twins out of GoodYear blimp Mirka. This is totally a testament to Federer’s virility rather than receptiveness of Mirka’s uterus because, if the rumors are true, Mirka’s been sperm-blocking the Great Fed.

Apparently the couple had been trying to conceive for a while but something about Mirka’s biology just expelled all of Federer’s seed. It wasn’t Roger’s fault. He was producing some brilliant sperm cells. Probably the best of his life. He probably could have impregnated any woman on the planet. But Mirka’s cervix refused to budge. Her internal organs deflected whatever Federer tossed their way. One night, after half an hour of love making, Federer broke down in tears. Mirka’s genitalia still looked fresh and ready to take more of whatever Federer had left to throw at it. But he had had enough. What was the point? God had perfectly constructed Mirka’s reproductive organs to reject anything Federer might send their way. This may have been the same night he nicknamed her vulva “Rafa”.

Then, one day, Mirka suffered a freak horse-riding accident. And suddenly, a gateway opened for Roger.

Roger is not one to wait for his opponent to recover from a setback so he dived right in. He may very well have mounted Mirka right there on the riding track where she lay bruised and bloodied from her fall. Wherever it was, Federer would give no quarter. Suddenly, his game started to click. Reverse missionary, doggystyle, cowgirl, piledriver. Tantric. Kamasutra. Greco-Roman. He pulled out ALL the sexual stops.

There was no holding him back. Gavin Rossdale of Bush, in attendance at the time, claims that at one point Mirka lowered her abdomen and clenched down on her insides, robbing Federer of the freedom to maneuver his famously fertile seed. Federer responded with the deftest of touches, slowing the pace down and withdrawing just a bit, tempting Mirka to arch her back, and then he drilled in the winner past the g-spot breaking open the gates of the cervix once again. By now it was all Roger. In another bang-defining moment, during the reverse cowgirl, Mirka tried to dominate the rhythm by increasing her own pace. The Swiss Maestro simply used this strategy against her – absorbing all her heavy pumping like a sponge he waited for a break in her momentum. When her persistence faltered for a millisecond, he seized the opportunity with a swift forward motion, gently dropping her inches along the bed post and gliding on to his haunches. Before Mirka realized what had happened, Federer had the night back under his control with the doggystyle. She never recovered from that one.

The fruits of his labour are there for all to see. Two beautiful baby girls. Who are already being tipped for tennis stardom, might I add.

Commented Federer:
“Yeah I just don’t know, you know. It’s like, unbelievable. I’ve always seen these great men produce twins and I always dreamed that I’d be able to be right up there, you know. A lot of people doubted me, said I was finished, I was shooting blanks. But I never let it get to me. It’s all about moving forward, you know. Breaking new ground.”

On the extra pressure this added on Nadal:
“It’s gonna be tough on him, that’s for sure. But no, Nadal is a good looking guy and the power of his forward thrust is unbelievable, you know. I’m just glad I got to impregnate Mirka before he did.”

Responded Nadal:


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