Networking 101

Please find below an email sent a couple of days ago to someone I know.
I've included it in full, and added my analysis after. This is a long one, so settle down, grab a Milwaukee's Best Light, and read on...

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From: Ballsy F. Buffoon
To: Potential.Cradlesnatcher@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG
ReplyTo: Ballsy.F.Buffoon@Dartmouth.edu
Subject: Hey
Sent: Feb 21, 2009 4:14 AM

Hey Potential,

We met at (Animal house fraternity) last night. I'm the '12 you didn't wanna show yor tits to.
You're an '03 on Wall Street. You asked me If I needed something, anything. I've been stuck trying to find private equity internships in (major European city) for this summer. Can you help?

Best regards,
Ballsy Buffoon

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

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Initially, I wasn't sure how to break this gem down, but I've decided to keep it simple, judging the email on it's Tone, Structure and Content. One quick note before we get to the email itself - even though the email is relatively coherent, given that Ballsy sent it out at 4.14AM on a Friday night / Saturday morning, I'm going to assume he's had a few Natty Ices. Not that it affects my critique in any way, but I thought it worth noting. Anyhow, down to business then...

Tone:

Starts out with a "hey," which is appropriately casual, using the cougar's first name as well, thus indicating a degree of familiarity. Short sentences in the body, basically statements of facts - no
arguments there either. And lastly, solid professional sign-off with a "best regards" and usage of the writer's full name - making it clear to the reader that while a degree of comfort had clearly been achieved through their interactions, this email (and the writer's intentions) is definitely all business.

Grade: B+ (Would have been an A- if he hadn't used "wanna" - I don't really like that word. Makes me think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xg0AsWruz4k)

Structure:

Overall, Ballsy does a decent job of following structural guidelines to networking emails, as explained to me by numerous recruiters. The one glaring issue is his complete lack of specifics. But he's a freshman after all - I mean, when I was a freshman, I'm relatively certain I would have lost interest in the woman after the titties incident (and my freshman summer was much less about PE, and much more about...well, this isn't really about me so let's just move on).

Back to the structure - 1) Establishes where they met. 2) Establishes who he is. 3) Establishes who she is and what she does, and then gently reminds her that she had been keen to help him (in case she had forgotten, probably because that was the last thing she had said before passing out). 4) Establishes what he hopes to achieve, as well as where and when he hopes to do so. 5) Makes a to-the-point query as to her ability to assist him in his endeavors.

Grade: B- (I would have liked some more specificity as to what he wants to do, and what he remembers of what she does / how that could potentially help him)

Content:

What the fuck is wrong with this kid? On the one hand, given that he's probably only 19 fucking years old, I have to give him credit for having the balls to write this email (hence the pseudonym). Also, props for getting a professional, possibly successful woman, NINE! years your senior, to "asked me If[sic] I needed something, anything." On the other hand, major points deductions for alcohol being heavily involved in both those incidents (probably much more so in the second than the first...but still). Anyway, on to the sentence by sentence breakdown:

1) Okay, so you met at a fraternity - so far so good, but with potential for trouble ahead.

2) So her refusing to show you her boobs was the best you could come up with from a "remember me" perspective? You clearly spoke to this woman for a considerable length of time, given what's said later on...you reallllly couldn't come up with anything else? Nothing at all? Perhaps something a little more fucking relevant like, "I'm the freshman that wanted to work with a PE firm in (major European city)." But no, you went with the titties episode. And she didn't even fcking show them to you! Wait, I'm actually not sure if that's better or worse - from this email's perspective. I mean...from that night's perspective it's obviously worse. How does the following sound, "I'm the '12 you showed your tits to." Hmm, that's probably more embarrassing for ol' Potential Cradlesnatcher, so I guess it's for the best (again, from this email's
perspective), that you didn't get to see her jugs.

3a) I'm glad you highlight that she's an '03 compared to you being a '12. That won't make her feel old at all. And I hate when people say "on Wall Street" What the fuck does that even mean? Who the fck is even on Wall Street anymore? Deutsche? Asif, the fruit-seller? Ahmed, the coffee cart guy? At least fucking say what she does / where she works / anything that shows you were paying a little fucking attention to something besides her luscious breasts. They must have been nice...pity we don't have a picture of the girl. For now. God I love titties.

3b) "you asked me If I needed something, anything" Nice...reads like this is exactly what she said, verbatim. While it is impressive that you managed to get her to say this, it probably isn't the best way to relay it - I mean, it makes her sound like a desperate, drunken idiot (given that she's a working 28-yr-old talking to a 19-yr-old-just-started-college-kid). Also, it could lead to people (like me) calling her Potential Cradlesnatcher, and that doesn't help anybody. Next time, dial it down a notch, brosephus. Not sure why I felt the need to say "brosephus" there, but it felt appropriate. Other terms that could have worked: broski, broseph, brah, broheim, and of course, bro-asaurus rex. For living, breathing embodiments, check this out.

4) Don't say you've "been stuck", bro-asaurus rex, just say you're pursuing numerous avenues or something equally vague while still giving the impression that you have many options. And the "can you help?" while admirable for it's no-nonsense-ness, is a little too direct for my liking. Toss in a, "would be great if you could help" or "I was hoping to speak with you regarding...". I understand that you asked this girl to show her your tits last night, but now the sun is out, most of the alcohol has worn off, and she's probably just realllllllllly hungover - so be nice, and show a little respect.

5) The sign-off. I know I covered this in the Tone section already, but I loved it so much, I had to bring it up again. I don't think we'll ever see another email that contains the line, "didn't wanna show yor tits to," and ends with, "Best Regards, Full Name of Sender." Just fantastic all around.

6) The Post-Script as added by the network provider: I REALLY like this. Having a blackberry speaks volumes more about your professionalism than one of those media-centric iPhones. And it's signficantly better than blitzing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BlitzMail). Significantly.

Grade:

i) In terms of fulfilling the purpose of the email: F-

ii) Entertainment: B+ (more ridiculousness was necessary for an A, e.g., "I'm the guy you sucked off last night," "I'm the guy who prematurely ejaculated on your expensive shoes that you had to wear to work the next day because you were going straight to work from the airport," and so forth...feel free to add your own version in the Comments section)

As an aside, for those interested in understanding the social significance of "blitzing", refer here:
http://www.dartmouth.edu/~thepress/read.php?id=1015

A Few Random Thoughts on The Wrestler, the future Mrs. JJY, possibly the worst way to die, etc

I can't believe Bruce Springsteen's, "The Wrestler" wasn't nominated for an Oscar. It was the best film song of the year. Period. And the lyrics are fabulous. I stayed through the end credits just to listen to them.
And then you hear about how the song was written, and the long, albeit fragmented (and now much publicized), friendship Springsteen and Rourke have shared, and it becomes that much more special:
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/39544
I found the rest of the interview to be worth a read as well.

Just thought I'd also mention, that I'm going to date her next.
And when things inevitably fall through due to the 15 year age difference, I'm going to marry this one.

Without giving too much away about the fate suffered by this poor 14-yr-old boy, I will say that it involved his rectum, and the chair he was sitting on. As always, beware of Chinese manufacturing.

And from now on, may I suggest sitting on one of these. Not only does it strengthen your core and improve your posture, but it also won't anally violate you.

BONUS Links for the Day (non Recession related)

1) Russia's Owliest (i.e., he looks like an owl. Seriously) footballer is coming to Ashburton. Thank fucking God. Come on you Gunners!

http://soccernet.espn.go.com/news/story?id=615899&sec=england&cc=5901

Andrei, meet Cesc. Cesc, meet Andrei. Excellent.

For an Owly picture:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/euro2008/arshavin438getty.jpg

2) If this man had died, he would undoubtedly have won a Darwin Award. Sadly, he didn't, so he didn't. He did get arrested for possession of coke however, so there's that.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/O/ODD_911_DRUG_ARREST?SITE=AP

The relevant piece:

"Police said Melendez called 911 late Saturday and reported that two men with guns were watching him.

Police records show he hung up, so the dispatcher called back. Melendez answered and asked the dispatcher to hold on, but the dispatcher could still hear what was being said.

A voice can be heard on the recording of the call saying: "What you need? A 10-pack? You need a 10-pack? All right." Police say "10-pack" is slang for a bundle of heroin."

Jackass.

3) Christian Bale goes off on a lighting dude (director of photography?), for distracting him during "the most emotional scene" in Terminator: Salvation. A tremendously entertaining 4 minutes. For a minute, I thought Patrick Bateman was back.

Original Audio:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLXVuy0h29c

Transcript:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/4508022/Christi
an-Bale-rant-Full-transcript.html

The Club Mix:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTihsJQHt48

When I grow up...

I'm going to provide zero commentary for this link, because I don't want to ruin it for you. I will say this though - it involves strippers.

And, fyi, I still don't know if I believe her or not...

And you thought you had it bad...

Italian PM, Silvio Berlusconi, when not trying to run the country or buy David Beckham, says things like the following,

"deploying more troops on Italian streets following a series of rape cases would not guarantee the safety of the country's women because "we would need as many soldiers as there are beautiful girls in Italy - which we will never manage".

Link:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article5589256.ece

In his defense, he continued,

"[my comments were made solely as a] compliment to pretty Italian girls, of which there are millions...I believe that on every occasion it is always useful to use a light
approach and a sense of humour"

I guess he's not such a big fan of time, place, everything, etc

Innocent Bystanders

It takes an article such as this, to truly show us the extent of these troubled times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/28/nyregion/28daba.html?_r=2

"[The innocent bystanders] shared their sad stories the other night at an informal gathering of Dating a Banker Anonymous, a support group founded in November to help women cope with the inevitable relationship fallout from, say, the collapse of Lehman Brothers or the Dow's shedding 777 points in a single day, as it did on Sept. 29"

My heart bleeds for these poor souls, who surely deserve their AE Platinum cards, Manolos and meals at Megu (highly recommend the kobe beef burger, next time you're there) as much as the next person.

That being said, I thought the following was particularly amusing:

"One frequent topic among the group is the link between the boardroom and the bedroom. "There's actually the type of person who has a bad day on the trading floor and they want to have sex more," Ms. Spinner Davis offered as she sipped a vodka gimlet, declining to say how she knew.

Ms. Petrus chimed in.

"If you're lucky you'll get that guy," she said, not revealing whether she considered herself lucky. "Middle-case scenario: It gets relegated to the weekends.

"Worst-case scenario," she began, and then took another sip of her drink."

Oh, and in case you want more (and yes, I very much do), they even have a blog.

(Link courtesy ZZ)

It's pronounced PENNIS-tun

Without a doubt, this is my favorite article of the year thus far (I know it's early, but still). Reporting from Crapstone, England, the NYT has compiled a list of some of the most embarrassingly named places in England. I'll try not to spoil it for you, but the fifth-grader in me had to include the following:

“Avoid aesthetically unsuitable names,” like Gaswork Road, the council decreed. Also, avoid “names capable of deliberate misinterpretation,” like Hoare Road, Typple Avenue, Quare Street and Corfe Close.

(What is wrong with Corfe Close, you might ask? The guidelines mention the hypothetical residents of No. 4, with their unfortunate hypothetical address, “4 Corfe Close.” To find the naughty meaning, you have to repeat the first two words rapidly many times, preferably in the presence of your fifth-grade classmates.)

(Link courtesy BC, BC)

U.S. Airways's Next Commercial

Sometimes, the extra money is worth it...

(Link courtesy Doofus)

Fellow Crusaders (and our inspiration): The Darwin Awards

Although this website has been around for ages, when recently bringing it up in conversation, I realized that quite a few people had actually never heard of the Darwin Awards.

Per wikipedia, "A Darwin Award is a tongue-in-cheek 'honor' named after evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin. Awards have been given for people who 'do a service to Humanity by removing themselves from the Gene pool', i.e., lose the ability to reproduce either by death or sterilization in a stupid fashion."

If you haven't been here before, I can't recommend a better way to spend a boring afternoon - while I admit the subject matter is decidedly morbid, the abject idiocy the victims display pretty much frees you from guilt by laughing at someone else's, often fatal, misfortune. In this case, schadenfreude is not only acceptable, it is entirely justified.

I find the ones involving botched burglaries, etc to be the funniest. A couple of doozies:

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-07.html - Burglary attempt, victim awakes, hits burglar in crotch with crutch - cue fun

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin1998-03.html - car thief likes setting fire to cars when he's done using them - i'm sure you see where this one is going

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin1999-38.html - Palestinian terrorists, Israel switching from Daylight Savings, time bombs - you can't be serious. Oh yes, I very much am.

When I grow up, I want to be like Mr. Cerny

I would highly recommend checking out this piece on a brilliant new mosaic meant to,

"symbolize the glory of a unified Europe by reflecting something special about each country in the European Union."

So what really happened?

"In the case of "Entropa," Mr. Cerny presented the piece as the work of 27 artists, one from each country. But it was all a huge hoax. After being challenged by reporters this week, Mr. Cerny admitted that he and two of his friends constructed the whole thing themselves, making up the names of artists, giving some of them Web sites and writing pretentious, absurd statements to go with their supposed contributions."

Slideshow with pictures (Germany is my favorite):

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2009/01/15/world/0115-MOSAIC_index.html

(Link acknowledgement: BC, BC)

Flying solo

In a fabulous display of idiocy, this man failed on approximately seventeen different counts in his attempt to fake his own death by jumping out of his plane and letting it crash in a Florida swamp.

My favorite bit:

"A man with Mr Shrenker's identification apparently checked into a hotel in Alabama after the crash, telling police he had been in a canoeing accident, before being seen running away into some nearby woods. "

How did he think that would work? How?

(Link acknowledgment: F-machine)

Cause and effect

Given my recent immersion in the business school application process, it was only a matter of time before I stumbled upon the various forums that engage in fervent discussion on the abovementioned soul-searching (sucking?) process.

Businessweek and GMATClub are the two most popular, as far as I know, and in addition to providing a wealth of information, they have also served tremendously well as sources of entertainment.

Case in point:

First, some background - the fellow quoted below seems like a perfectly likable chap, but has sadly been subject to a spate of rejections from various business schools. This must have LED to an incredible amount of detailed introspection on his part, because after much deliberation and reflection, this is what he said:

"One of my friends corrected a big mistake I made throughout the applications. The past tense of 'Lead' is 'Led". I have been using 'Lead' everywhere unknown to the fact that I was making a mistake. I thought lead is like read. What a stupidity...
One of the possible reasons for my dings so far."

At first, I laughed. Then, I felt badly. But at the end of the day, all I had to offer was concurrence - what a stupidity, indeed.