Monday, May 30, 2011

Top 6 Reasons why Ijaz Butt is a Bharwe ki Aulad

6. To begin with, he literally is one. His father, grandfather, great grandfather and entire line of ancestry were notable bharwas of their time, beginning with the late Mustafa Ijaz Butt of Yemen who pioneered bharwapana in the southern Arabian peninsula, a legacy carried forward by descendants such as the infamous Ghulam Ijaz Butt of the late 19th century who directed the fruits of his bharwagiri towards the patronage of the East India Trading Company. Today, Ijaz Butt proudly carries on the tradition.

5. When was the last time you heard that an Ivy League graduate had to have his wife pull some strings to get him a job? To be fair to him though, the attributes of fat, ugly, stupid, madarchod aren’t really a winning combination at most job interviews. Nor is a CV which has “party to anal gangrape” under Relevant Job Experience.

4. Never finished watching Godfather 2 because he always ejaculates in the scene where Michael kisses his brother Fredo. Did I mention that Ijaz Butt has french kissed his own brother? Yeah, that incestuous chut had a full-on steamy romance with his brother. In Ijaz Butt’s defence, Angelina Jolie is also guilty of something similar yet is not universally reviled as a bharwi. However, Mrs. Jolie is a hot piece of ass who can make a fish look do-able. Ijaz Butt on the other hand looks like something you’d leave in the toilet after having Nihari from Burns Road for Sehri.

3. This is a toss-up because his heart was sort of in the right place here. A young Ijaz Butt once convinced his parents not to sacrifice his Eid goats in the traditional manner as he considered it too savage. Instead, in what he deemed to be a more humane execution, he elected to personally bone his qurbani animals to death so that, in his own words, “they leave the world in a state of bliss”. To this date, it is a Butt family tradition every Eid morning to watch Ijaz sahb shyly stroll over to the livestock with a bottle of wine, make small talk with the bakras, caress their horns gently, tie them down (even an animal isn’t immediately amenable to the idea of fucking Ijaz Butt) and gently pounding the life out of it.

2. His favorite dish is bharwa bhindi. Not familiar with the cuisine? To your credit, that's probably because you are not a bharwa. You may watch the preparation of this bharwan South Indian delicacy in this video. Caution: excess consumption may lead to you becoming a fucking gandu.

1. There are a select group of cricketers who, in my view, have come to define Pakistan cricket. One cannot love Pakistan cricket and not respect the contribution of these players towards its legacy. Two such players are Shahid Afridi and Younis Khan. Ijaz has fucked with both of them. My outrage at this does not allow me to address the issue in mature, rational terms. And I shouldn’t have to. To me, it’s the equivalent of burning the flag, beating your wife or molesting your own fucking children. You are a bharwa if u do any of those. And you are a true bharwe ki aulad if you violate Younis and Afridi. So teri maa ki chut Ijaz Butt, u haram khor.