What a stupidity

Top 6 Reasons why Ijaz Butt is a Bharwe ki Aulad

2011-05-30T18:10:00.010-04:00

6. To begin with, he literally is one. His father, grandfather, great grandfather and entire line of ancestry were notable bharwas of their time, beginning with the late Mustafa Ijaz Butt of Yemen who pioneered bharwapana in the southern Arabian peninsula, a legacy carried forward by descendants such as the infamous Ghulam Ijaz Butt of the late 19^th century who directed the fruits of his bharwagiri towards the patronage of the East India Trading Company. Today, Ijaz Butt proudly carries on the tradition.

5. When was the last time you heard that an Ivy League graduate had to have his wife pull some strings to get him a job? To be fair to him though, the attributes of fat, ugly, stupid, madarchod aren’t really a winning combination at most job interviews. Nor is a CV which has “party to anal gangrape” under Relevant Job Experience.

4. Never finished watching Godfather 2 because he always ejaculates in the scene where Michael kisses his brother Fredo. Did I mention that Ijaz Butt has french kissed his own brother? Yeah, that incestuous chut had a full-on steamy romance with his brother. In Ijaz Butt’s defence, Angelina Jolie is also guilty of something similar yet is not universally reviled as a bharwi. However, Mrs. Jolie is a hot piece of ass who can make a fish look do-able. Ijaz Butt on the other hand looks like something you’d leave in the toilet after having Nihari from Burns Road for Sehri.

3. This is a toss-up because his heart was sort of in the right place here. A young Ijaz Butt once convinced his parents not to sacrifice his Eid goats in the traditional manner as he considered it too savage. Instead, in what he deemed to be a more humane execution, he elected to personally bone his qurbani animals to death so that, in his own words, “they leave the world in a state of bliss”. To this date, it is a Butt family tradition every Eid morning to watch Ijaz sahb shyly stroll over to the livestock with a bottle of wine, make small talk with the bakras, caress their horns gently, tie them down (even an animal isn’t immediately amenable to the idea of fucking Ijaz Butt) and gently pounding the life out of it.

2. His favorite dish is bharwa bhindi. Not familiar with the cuisine? To your credit, that's probably because you are not a bharwa. You may watch the preparation of this bharwan South Indian delicacy in this video. Caution: excess consumption may lead to you becoming a fucking gandu.

1. There are a select group of cricketers who, in my view, have come to define Pakistan cricket. One cannot love Pakistan cricket and not respect the contribution of these players towards its legacy. Two such players are Shahid Afridi and Younis Khan. Ijaz has fucked with both of them. My outrage at this does not allow me to address the issue in mature, rational terms. And I shouldn’t have to. To me, it’s the equivalent of burning the flag, beating your wife or molesting your own fucking children. You are a bharwa if u do any of those. And you are a true bharwe ki aulad if you violate Younis and Afridi. So teri maa ki chut Ijaz Butt, u haram khor.

Grow up, Chappell

2011-03-21T02:36:00.017-04:00

(A version of this blog appeared on Dawn here.)

Here’s to Australia bitterness because without it this victory probably wouldn’t taste as sweet. As it happened, Ian Chappell’s cantankerous ramblings endowed this triumph with a wholesomely saccharine flavor it may otherwise have been devoid of.

There is no doubting that this Australian side does not stack up to those who have dominated this tournament for the last decade. Hence, this victory was in danger of losing some of its rightful appeal. However, Chappell reminded us that it’s not just a team we overcame. It’s a sickeningly superior attitude that has defined all contests with the Australians. And it is this sanctimonious arrogance that we prevailed against.

Anyone, partial or neutral, listening to the match commentary must have jerked their head in disbelief at some of the fairly provocative comments emanating from Chappell’s pie-hole. During our first innings Chappell expressed his philosophical reservations against the signature Shahid Afridi pose. Apparently, Chappell detects an element of selfishness in Afridi’s gesture and fears that it detracts from the achievements of the team.

You know what else Chappell had problems with? Team huddles, of course. This excuse for recreational mingling was considered by Chappell as a waste of time which is why, during his reign as captain, he would simply write notes on scraps of paper and expect his team-mates to pass it around, always maintaining arms-length distance from one another.

Finally, Chappell also chose to invoke some righteous imagery when he opined that Ricky Ponting would be looking to set the record straight in light of the cloud of scandal circling over the Sydney test match. In Chappell’s eyes, Ponting was the living embodiment of an Arthurian knight riding through the sinister countryside and drawing his fiery Sword of Morality and Shield of Integrity against the depraved humanity which populates his lands. Today, that Sword would be raised against the villainous Pakistanis who had dared sully the name of Australian cricket.

Chappell’s comments were utterly preposterous, bordering on maniacally defensive and senselessly bitter.

Afridi’s gesture is emblematic of a broader team ethos. It serves as a rally cry for his charges channeling and facilitating their ascendancy. Afridi is no dummy, despite what his shot selection on the day might suggest. He is fundamentally aware of his aura within the team. They view him as a talisman and when they sense his exhilaration, when they see his energy, it infects them in turn. Afridi’s celebration is not posturing or preening. It is mobilizing and empowering.

Besides, give Shahid a break. So what if he strikes a pose? At least his arms and legs outstretched in an “X” looks cool. Which is more than I can say for a ridiculous, ballerina inspired jump by Brett Lee. What the hell was that about? I thought only cartoon cats jump in the air sideways and click their heels. In the annals of gayness, that could only be topped by a white guy trying to sing a hindi song alongside an aging Indian pop-star attempting to be hip and relevant. Oh wait.

I fail to see how a huddle during the break is a time-wasting exercise. Is Chappell upset that the Pakistan team isn’t constructively utilizing all of the forty five minutes they are given between innings? Is our mid-innings assembly somehow threatening to disrupt the space-time continuum through a peculiar quirk of physics only Chappell is privy to? Team huddles are a historical feature of the game and characterized the conquering Australian side under Steve Waugh. However, in Chappell’s defense, his aversion to the huddle can be traced back to his days in the Australian team post-1977, when all his team-mates ever spoke about in a huddle was how little Ian got his ass handed to him by Ian Botham. Twice, mind you.

As for Ponting the Crusader, following this incident Aleem Dar may have serious misgivings about Chappell cloaking Ponting in the garb of nobility, particularly given the settled understanding in all corners, including his own homeland, that Ponting is a first-class jerk.

Furthermore, Chappell has no right to attempt to appropriate for the Australians alone the indignity suffered by the match-fixing saga. It is an affront to sportsmanship felt by all Pakistanis everywhere. We are keenly aware of the disgrace our players have brought upon the game and it is our hope to one day come to terms with this ordeal and feel genuinely proud of a team which is worthy of honorably representing our nation. Chappell’s implicit attempt to paint Australians as the only victims of that tragedy is symptomatic of the self-indulgent imperiousness which typifies Australian cricket.

It is this conceit which has helped elevate a league victory into a defining triumph.

Look, there is no arguing that qualitatively this is not the Australia of 1999, 2003 and 2007. The Aussies are no longer the superpower of our sport and, in a sense, this victory may not carry the meaning it would have a couple of years back. However, I for one feel that this holds true more for other teams and less so for Pakistan.

The challenges a team like Pakistan faces in every game is hardly limited to the 11 players in the opposing team. More often than not, they are also locked in a continuous struggle against their fragile psyches and the demons of their past. It is this emotional baggage that Pakistan contends with in every game in addition to the more tangible challenges on the field. And it is these hang-ups which elevate a game which should have been a cakewalk for a more composed side into a feat of astronomical proportions for our batsmen.

For all intents and purposes, Pakistan were not playing the Australian side as it currently stands with a miserably out-out-form middle order and a one-dimensional attack. In our minds, we were confronting the ‘notion’ of Australia which has haunted us and the cricketing world for the past decade. And we conquered that perception which still manifests itself in the attitudes of Chappell, Ponting and, more viscerally, in Brad Haddin's outburst.

So when Umar Akmal accepted his man-of-the-match award, it was telling that he referenced the Sydney test match, a specter that has haunted Pakistan for almost two years. He admitted his own complicity in that crime and perhaps this was his apology for the trauma inflicted upon the nation as a consequence of his team’s past actions.

It is this humility which will allow us to come to terms with the pain of the last 12 months. It is this humility which runs in perfect opposition to the arrogance of the Australians.

Fittingly, it is this humility which silenced Ian Chappell and the Australian machine.

Changing of the Guard

2010-08-19T11:46:00.003-04:00

(an edited version of this blog was published on the Dawn website and can be viewed here)

It speaks volumes for Zulqarnain Haider and Saeed Ajmal that, on the basis of their performances in only a single test this summer, there are whispers that the two have made a genuine case for replacing Kamran Akmal and Danish Kaneria, two men who had become mainstays in their respective roles for more than half a decade.

But is that more of a testament to the quality of the new blood or to the failings of their predecessors because, come on, how hard is it to make Akmal and Kaneria look bad? If we are using the seniors as a benchmark then really, all that Haider and Ajmal had to do was show up and not screw up considerably to qualify as successful replacements.

Akmal is an abysmal keeper who has clung on to his place in the side on tha basis of batting alone, which in of itself has been fairly average in the longer format. Kaneria, while immeasurably more skilled than Akmal, has yet to develop into the consistent strike bowler Inzimam always envisioned he would. He remains overly reliant on pitch and conditions and is a tad one dimensional if the batsmen attempt to throw him off his rhythm.

However, it is to do a disservice to both Ajmal and Haider if these two are to be measured against the men whose shoes they stepped into because those shoes certainly don’t take much filling. Merit shouldn’t be awarded on the basis of historical failure otherwise our next President would have the luxury of being able hold his hands up and shrug: “Hey, I’m at least better than the last guy, right?”

Accordingly, before getting too giddy about how we may have turned a corner in our wicket-keeping and spin fortunes, we’re better off judging Haider and Ajmal independently.

Ajmal first.

Saeed has long been unfairly branded a limited overs bowler, a blatant misconception given that he remains in all formats a classical off spinner. Relying on flight, guile and turn rather than the traditional flatter trajectory which is the stock defensive tool of the standard limited overs spinner, Ajmal’s approach seemed to be naturally suited to test cricket. But an extended run never materialized at the test level, perhaps due to the weight of wickets offered by Kaneria.

It’s a shame because Ajmal to me is more suited to test cricket than his current mentor, Saqlain Mushtaq, ever was. Saqi simply had too much in his arsenal, capable of bowling 6 different deliveries in the span of an over. Ajmal really has two: the stock off-spinner and the doosra with everything in between being a slight variation or tweak of the same. In test cricket that is all you need, really. It is more often the element of surprise that accounts for the batsman once he has been taken off his guard by four innocuously similar deliveries.

As was the case with Collingwood, who failed to read Ajmal’s doosra. By the time Collingwood fell, Ajmal was well and truly on a roll. Sure a couple were fired in, particularly when Pietersen was trying to impose himself. But for the most part, Ajmal simply transferred the skills exhibited in the limited overs format to the longer version, with an added dash of patience and consistency.

Kaneria is ultimately a wildcard in the very true spirit of Pakistani cricket. As likely to take 4 quick wickets in an innings to trigger a collapse as he is to gift a pile of runs to contribute to an innings defeat. Ajmal has always possessed the kind of control which would suggest that, even on an off day, he could at least keep one end quiet. If that can be coupled with a decent strike rate, I see no reason for Kaneria to be picked ahead of him.

Zulqarnain next.

As of this writing, Haider will play no further part in this test series. Which makes the mark he left in one match all the more impressive because for the first time in over five years it seems likely that Kamran Akmal is keeping the gloves warm for another.

Let’s not fool ourselves. Haider’s wicket-keeping was not phenomenal. He was alright, but if adequate keeping was all it took to unseat Akmal from his perch, Sarfraz Ahmed would have done so a while back. Akmal is in the squad because we have an incredibly weak batting order and, to our defensive selection committee, he provides some sort of added ballast, much like a really stupid ship captain might think that a sinking oil freighter could be kept afloat a few minutes longer by tying a helium balloon to its mast.

Zulqarnain signed off the tour by playing the best innings by a Pakistani batsman this summer (not that competition is stiff in that regard). For Haider’s long term prospects, the manner he made his runs is more significant than the actual number of runs scored. Enough has been said about the courage and tenacity displayed by Haider (and Ajmal) for the way they faced down the English attack when both could have been excused for exiting and letting the top order shoulder the blame. In a span of almost 5 hours of intense concentration and dogged determination, Haider showcased that he at least possesses the concomitant mental attributes required of a decent wicket-keeper. If the kid has it in him to battle it out in that manner in the face of certain defeat, you can only expect that he has the discipline and focus necessary to hone and improve his primary role in the way Akmal seems incapable of doing.

All Ajmal and Haider had to do last week was have an average game to keep their places ahead of Kaneria and Akmal. Both of them chose to rise above the comfort of low expectations and produced two of the most memorable performances of the summer.

Welcome to test match cricket boys.

A Poem for Umar Akmal

2009-12-27T22:21:00.006-05:00

It’s a testament to how beautiful and thrilling a talent Umar Akmal is that even a breezy yet ballsy 50 can inspire a song. I call this one:

"The man of my dreams"

Dear Umar Akmal, pardon my candour, as I express my feelings without the slightest hesitation.

I feel no shame in admitting, that the manner of your latest innings, has me questioning my sexual orientation.

You scored only 50, itself a mere trickle, compared to the landslide put up by the opposing side.

However your score isn’t important, it’s the way you carried yourself, which had me glowing with pride.

You came out to bat in a desperate situation as the wickets around you had started to fall.

The Aussies thought, that you’d follow suit, but they underestimated the gargantuan size of your balls.

You tackled the situation, with grave determination, yet also with your brand of derring-do.

While you were decisive, forthright and aggressive, our top 3 batsman didn’t have a clue.

The zenith of your awesomeness was summarized in 6 balls, in an over bowled by Peter Siddle.

He tried to stir you up with taunts and threats, but you weren’t about to be dragged into a quibble.

I bet Siddle figured, his words would leave you triggered, and you’d lose your head as his over began to take shape.

That never happened, because by now your skills you have sharpened, and his bowling you then proceeded to rape.

The first shot was nothing more, then stand and deliver, and you swung your bat like a knife.

And as the ball whistled through the outfield, a million Pakistani women must have wished you’d take them as your wife.

The next shot was more classical, a work of art in fact, a pull shot in front of square.

The Aussie fans were stunned, the commentators were speechless, as you showcased your natural flair.

So Siddle collected himself, went back to his run-up, and promised Ponting that the situation is one he could fix.

But you see its not that simple, Umar cannot simply be popped out like a pimple, and the next ball was short-arm pulled for six.

By this time even the Australian players had no choice but to applaud you for your aggressive force.

Meanwhile panic in the Siddle camp, as his embarrassed wife had filed for divorce.

The Australians were on the backfoot, Siddle was a wreck, things weren’t going according to plan.

Surely Umar must be finished by now, but no, the genius still had time to guide another boundary down to third man.

Now how does one sum up such a sensational spell of batting even though the context of the game it may not influence.

You gotta hand it to the young guy, since he is the only player to take on the Aussies with any semblance of impudence.

With a technique so unblemished, a heart so pure, no one can accuse you of gaddari.

Forget the repealed NRO, Umar Akmal will be the man to unseat Asif Zardari.

There is a rumor going around, that after you got back to the locker-room, you received a booty call from Angelina Jolie.

But even though you are not a Shia, you still respect Muharram, and refused to engage in an untoward act because it’s a time to be holy.

Though you are by no means a prude, and that is evident by how you, keep up with the latest fashion trends.

I know it’s a well kept secret in your family, that you stole all of elder brother Kamran’s girlfriends.

Shane Watson was given the task to unsettle Umar, a challenge as daunting as scaling Mount Everest.

Watson’s attempt at swing, was smothered by Akmal, who took two steps down the track to prove who is cleverest.

What other player, can claim to confuse the Aussie thinktank, as the wicketkeeper now stands up to the stumps.

I hear Umar Akmal is so pure biologically, that the toilet smells like daisies after he takes a dump.

Some might complain that the manner of Umar’s dismissal was weak, and his attacking instincts he should shelve.

I would simply, calmly, and succinctly tell such observers, that if they cant be happy they should go and fuck themselves.

You see Umar is perfect the way he is, any change would damage our courtship.

Now I must bid you all adieu, and return to my shrine, in which a life size mannequin of Umar I do worship.

An Open Letter to Imran Farhat

2009-11-03T15:48:00.007-05:00

(a version of this article was published yesterday in Dawn and can be found here)

Dear Imran Farhat,

So, you’re back. I’d tell you it’s good to see you again, but it’s not. You must be over the moon, what with being picked for all three formats. Why, you must think you’re a regular Kevin Pietersen, eh?

Well you’re not, Imran. I haven’t forgotten who you are. You may be a year or so older. You may be a day or so wiser. But underneath all that flash, beneath all that ICL bravado, you’re still the same guy who’s going to perpetuate our opening problem. You’re still the same batsman who miscues an ambitious pull shot. You’re the same player who will attempt a cross-batted hoick across the line of the ball for no reason other than your own ego. And you’re the same guy who helps perfect the opposing side’s slip-catching skills.

I’ll give you one thing Imran: you must be one helluva husband.

Your wife probably has only good things to say about you to her parents, because not many father-in-laws would accost the coach of the international cricket team, berating him for not selecting his precious son-in-law out of, ironically, bias. Even fewer father-in-laws would threaten the national selectors for not picking the apple of his daughter’s eye for the Pakistan team. But I suppose that’s the kind of class act your dad-in-law, Mohammad Ilyas, is, eh? And how does the PCB choose to handle an individual who allegedly threatened to “start a war” against their selection panel? Make him part of the selection panel, of course. I suppose their skewed logic is that those primed to do the most damage to the system should be placed in a position of power within that system so they have a stake in its survival. One can’t really blame the PCB for such logic since the apex of the Federal Government’s been applying that strategy as well. Wonder how that’s working out?

And what was Mr. Ilyas’s first order of business? Restore you, Imran, to your “rightful” position, of course. Most might say that something fishy’s afoot. But not me. I think its one big, freakish coincidence. It’s not like your numbers don’t justify your inclusion. A healthy average of barely above 30 in both major forms of the game make you a shoe-in for any Wisden World XI team. And your discipline? Exemplary. Some called you a crybaby for phoning up a selector in the middle of the night and demanding to know why you’d been dropped. But I figured you just wanted to say “hi”. Apparently it got so heated that you were fined for dissent. It doesn’t stop there. When you jumped ship for the ICL you took a few more shots at the PCB for assassinating your career, as if your lazy wafts outside the off-stump weren’t the true culprits.

So kudos, Imran – you can’t bat competently, but I’m sure you are one exceptional family man. I can just see the case Mohammad Ilyas made on your behalf in front of the selection committee. Sure my son-in-law has no patience outside the off-stump. But he always asks my daughter how her day went when they’re on the dinner table. Granted he will give his wicket away carelessly, thereby enhancing the pressure on our other batsmen. But apparently he volunteers to do the dishes on Tuesdays and Saturdays. And his lack of foot movement is completely offset by the fact that he lets his wife handle the remote when they’re watching television.

The fact is Imran, you’re back and there’s no use crying about it. Just show up, make your random 30 odds and scratchy half centuries, and then leave us be. Pakistan cricket is at a very important stage right now. We’ve been deprived of home games and yet we’ve managed to win a World Cup and make it to the semi-finals of the Champions Trophy. We’ve got a couple of young players in Umar Akmal and Mohammad Aamer who have it in them to ensure a very bright future for our team. And what’s more, we as a nation want revenge this time around. Beating New Zealand was supposed to be a sure thing, like it’s always been, which is what made it all the more traumatizing to lose to them in the Champions Trophy. We don’t want to beat them. We want to maul them. I’m sure you figure yourself to be the man to do the mauling. Sadly, you’re not. You’re not even the original, unreliable Imran. Now that kid could maul. Pity about the temperament, though.

So enjoy yourself, Imran. Don’t get too comfortable and please, don’t do any lasting damage while you’re out there. When you’re in the nets, don’t drive a ball straight at Saeed Ajmal and cause him bodily harm. He’s the best thing to happen to Pakistan off-spin bowling since Saqlain Mushtaq and we’ll need him in the tests against New Zealand. Furthermore, if you’re ever in the locker room and arguing with Shahid bhai about whether youngsters like Umar Akmal respect you, don’t grab a bat and start swinging at Umar. Akmal’s a national treasure. Furthermore, you might meet two guys while you’re training with the team: Ahmed Shehzad (though he’s not selected) and Fawad Alam. Both of them have the potential to be extremely successful and productive batsmen for Pakistan. So steer clear of them and don’t offer them any pearls of wisdom such as: “always charge down the track when the ball is full and swinging”. Just point them both towards the direction of Younis Khan and you’ll have done your bit for Pakistan cricket.

You know Imran, you may very well have a good series, maybe even comparable to that glory tour against the same team a few years back. You’re even capable of a test century or two. But you’re not a long term solution. You’re just another in the line of ICL alums whom the selection committee insists on trotting out even though they forget that they were dropped for poor performance in the first place.

Enjoy your run, Imran. My regards to Ilyas sahb.

-Farooq

Divine Justice

2009-11-03T11:16:00.002-05:00

This is a small point, but how frustrating must it be for a player to do all the hard work and then watch an undeserving team mate reap the awards?

Case in point: the first 10 overs in Pakistan's ODI against NZ.

Umar Gul, while not bowling terribly, was easily the weaker link of the attack. After starting well enough with a maiden, he leaked 10 runs in his second over and was smoked for 3 fours in his third, altogether leaking 23 runs in his first 3.

At the other end, Aamer was immaculate. Mixing his length and generating the odd lift from the pitch, Aamer repeatedly beat the edge, rapped the pads and grazed the stumps. He made Aaron Redmond, and McCullum to a lesser extent, look like schoolgirls.

But, as fate would have it, first blood went to Gul.

This is hardly a rare phenomenon, but it just got me wondering how frustrating it is for a bowler. Forget the idealistic "who cares, its all for the good of the team" argument. It must have really sucked for Aamer to see Gully walk away with that first wicket, eh?

I'm sure most of us can relate. Lets say you're working on a project for your firm along with a colleague and you're putting in the hard hours, producing some excellent memos / research pieces when one day, you walk out of your room to go to the bathroom at the same moment your boss walks in and congratulates your colleague for all the good work done and promising him a raise when he's actually just been sitting on his ass the entire time eating super crisps. I dont know about you, but I'd be fucking pissed. I'd question the point of my work ethic and my place in the world in general.

Ergo: Mohammad Aamer's plight. There's no solution for it. It's really just bad luck.

As I write this, the following incident ocurred which I will let the live commentary team of cricinfo relate to you.

9.5

Umar Gul to Taylor, no run, on a length around off stump, driven hard back down the track and Umar Gul tries to stop it from front of his face but ricochets it to his groin. Ouch!

Ouch indeed. That's one possible solution. Letting God restore parity. That's two wickets for Gul but one less child in the future. Actually, I'm glad this happened because its allowed me to change the title of this blog from a boring "Aamer's woes" to a more mildly catchy "Divine Justice". That settles it. Next time I'm sidelined at work by a colleague I'm diving fist first into his crotch.

Update

And Aamer gets a wicket! Considering he didn't have to lay his testicles on the line for it, I'd say he's one-upped Gul now.

For the prudent Pakistan fan..

2009-09-29T15:06:00.010-04:00

How a rational cricket fan would think:

With victories in the warm-up games followed by two wins from two games in the league stages, Pakistan are at their peak entering this tournament. The team needs to mantain its intensity by thoroughly beating a severely weakened and impotent Australian one-day side and go into the semi-final stages with a 100% win record which would be an added boost to their confidence.

How a Pakistani cricket fan SHOULD think:

Haaaaalllp!
We have victories in the warm-up games and two wins from two games in the league stages and risk going into the semis UNDEFEATED!

We're so screwed.

AS things stand, we're through to the semis so why tempt fate by being ungrateful and asking for more. Temporarily resting on one's laurels is a severely underappreciated form of leisure. Look at it this way, if the Aussies beat us, Pakistan and Australia go through to the final and India get knocked out completely. How sweet would that be?

More importantly, a loss to Australia ensures we get a defeat out of our system to satisfy the law of averages. Look, we're not capable of having a perfect track record and we need to get a loss out of the way as soon as possible before it occurs at a time when it can hurt us. Our players are at their worst when they are in a comfort zone (except Younis Khan who always tries hard and expects the most from himself no matter whether its a crunch game or dead rubber). Once we lose, we'll be startled out of our complacency and will be less likely to slack off in the semis and the final, since we ARE making the finals.

Imran KIND OF had it right when he said we play at our best when we're cornered tigers. But we need to get cornered first for those fighting instincts to come to the fore. Otherwise we're like a kind of gay tiger who stumbled onto his first kill (which was injured to begin with) and was lucky to get his second since the prey almost turned the tables on him.

If Australia beat us and India beat West Indies by a VERY substantial margin that MAY mean India go through to the semis with us. Thats the tricky part. Because then, if we get to the finals, we might meet India there and I dont think we as a nation can handle that. I know I cant. And I don't envy our chances in beating India twice in a major tournament.

Plus, the Indian cricket team is a more like us than they're given discredit for. If they're doing badly in the early stages of a tournament, they're more likely to win it under the guise of underdogs since they wont have the enormous pressure of expectations their unreasonable country puts on them.
Right now, I can console myself with the fact that we beat India. That'll be all for naught if they come back to win the tournament.

Also, lets hope we meet New Zealand in the semis. A good luck charm if there ever was one. Mark Guptill zindabad. Incidentally, if we're ever stupid enough to declare war against India, we should first first invade New Zealand and shoot a few nukes down there. Whenever we kick kiwi ass, we always go on to do greater things.

Meeting Mr. Miandad

2009-09-24T15:06:00.004-04:00

I think I've been waiting my entire life to hear something like this:

Lifelong thanks to OQ for alerting me to this.

I have a theory about this song: If you're from Pakistan and you dont like it or enjoy it, then the odds are that you're probably a bad person who is unhappy in his/her life, incredibly bitter, jaded and cynical and most probably a drag to be around.

If India does manage to beat us, I think this is the only song which could cheer me up.

Hey Nadal, how’d that feel?

2009-09-13T15:10:00.003-04:00

The ingredients are all there. Maybe it seems familiar. Want me to paint you a picture?

Utter demolition. Complete annihilation. Abject embarrassment. A great athlete undeservedly humbled by a player possibly great, but not legendary.

Ring a bell, Rafa?

No, this isn’t the 2007 French Open final. This is YOUR life, September 13, Flushing Meadows. Eat it!

That medicine’s pretty hard to swallow isn’t it? Yeah well I hope you choke on it because, as a Federer fan, you’ve been shoveling it down our throats for the last 3 straight years.

I don’t dislike Nadal. In fact, he’s quite possibly my second favorite player on the tour. It says a lot for Nadal that, by and large, he doesn’t really inspire hatred in the fans of his chief rival. Think about it: in most sporting rivalries you’re duty-bound to hate the other guy. If you were an Agassi fan, you despised Sampras. If Messi floats your boat, Cristiano probably sinks it. If you’re an Alonso-phile, then you’re most probably anti-Hamilton. If you think Shawn Michaels is the greatest thing in pro wrestling, then you would entertain the notion that Bret Hart is the worst thing to happen to it (okay, I lost you with that last one).

But, as endearing as he is, one thing Federer fans can’t forgive Nadal for is how ordinary he makes an undisputed legend like Roger look. He reduced him to tears at the Australian. He took his Wimbledon title in the greatest sports match ever played. His looping, spin-infested forehand has given people the illusion that Federer’s backhand is actually “weak”. And then there was Roland Garros ’07.

Man. Roland Garros 2007. A lot of us just wish that day could forever be blotted from our memory. I hate getting into it.

But it’s a day like today which makes me want to revisit it.

Nadal was completely dominated and outplayed by Del Potro today as Federer was by Nadal two years ago. I don’t want to use the word outclassed, because I think Nadal may be “great”-er than Del Potro could ever be. But you can see it in Nadal’s face today. He’s irritable, tetchy, self-reproachful, and just altogether negative. You don’t see it very often. If at all. I saw flashes of it the day when Tsonga spanked him in the Australian semis. But Nadal is mostly renowned to keep his frustrations in check. Something Federer prides himself on (during matches) but failed to do at Roland Garros. Everyone came down on him for that. They used it as some sort of psychological marker of his athletic inadequacy.

The fact that Federer has a poor head-to-head record against Nadal is the ONLY thing anti-Feds have left to use against him after Federer’s phenomenal 2009 summer. The fact that he couldn’t unlock Nadal’s game seemed equivalent to the holy grail.

Which is why I’m glad that Nadal is finally being punished for his style of play. Nadal’s topsin-heavy forehands probably gives Federer nightmares. Armed with it, Nadal relentlessly assaults Federer’s backhand, forcing him to play an extremely uncomfortable shot with the ball above shoulder height. Unfortunately for Nadal, that height sits up just about perfectly for Del Potro to lace with his 6 foot 7 forehand.

Perfectly.

See that’s why I’ve never given a damn about assholes who go around saying that Federer can’t be considered great due to Nadal’s dominance against him. Look, dicks. Federer has beaten everyone under the sun and has more talent in his well manicured finger than Nadal has in his entire manufactured body. But it’s just a helluva coincidence that Nadal’s game has been built PERFECTLY to counter Federer’s. The kind of loop and spin Nadal gets from his left handed forehand is probably God’s most perfect weapon against Federer. And, I really think Roger was on track to conquering it soon, following his performance at Madrid and his keenness with the drop shot and backhand slice. But, as things stood, it seemed like the heavens were conspiring against Federer when Rafa’s game was being hewn.

And it’s that VERY game which has come back to haunt Nadal today and bite him in the ass.

I don’t know how you interpret 6-2 6-2 6-2 as any thing other than a complete humiliation. Nadal just did NOT know what was going on. At least Tsonga used to come to the net and play those audacious drop shots. But Del Potro just barged into Nadal’s house, the baseline, and dictated the game from there. In many ways, he out-Nadaled Nadal.

So if anybody thought Roger didn’t deserve the “greatest of all time” title following Roland Garros 2 years ago, then I’m sorry but Nadal just lost his right to that label after today’s massacre. It’s a day Nadal will never forget. Maybe he’ll be the better for it, as Roger definitely was. But then Roger is a legend. And Nadal is simply “great”.

Federer lays down biological marker for Nadal

2009-08-04T00:41:00.003-04:00

So that’s 60 singles titles. 15 grandslams. 21 straight semi-finals. A career grandslam.

Oh yeah – and twins on the first go.

Beat that Nadal.
Beat that and you’ll go down as the best male tennis player of all time. And you only get to capitalize the “male” part if you can accomplish that last feast.

In keeping with his phenomenal year, Federer has done it again by producing twins out of GoodYear blimp Mirka. This is totally a testament to Federer’s virility rather than receptiveness of Mirka’s uterus because, if the rumors are true, Mirka’s been sperm-blocking the Great Fed.

Apparently the couple had been trying to conceive for a while but something about Mirka’s biology just expelled all of Federer’s seed. It wasn’t Roger’s fault. He was producing some brilliant sperm cells. Probably the best of his life. He probably could have impregnated any woman on the planet. But Mirka’s cervix refused to budge. Her internal organs deflected whatever Federer tossed their way. One night, after half an hour of love making, Federer broke down in tears. Mirka’s genitalia still looked fresh and ready to take more of whatever Federer had left to throw at it. But he had had enough. What was the point? God had perfectly constructed Mirka’s reproductive organs to reject anything Federer might send their way. This may have been the same night he nicknamed her vulva “Rafa”.

Then, one day, Mirka suffered a freak horse-riding accident. And suddenly, a gateway opened for Roger.

Roger is not one to wait for his opponent to recover from a setback so he dived right in. He may very well have mounted Mirka right there on the riding track where she lay bruised and bloodied from her fall. Wherever it was, Federer would give no quarter. Suddenly, his game started to click. Reverse missionary, doggystyle, cowgirl, piledriver. Tantric. Kamasutra. Greco-Roman. He pulled out ALL the sexual stops.

There was no holding him back. Gavin Rossdale of Bush, in attendance at the time, claims that at one point Mirka lowered her abdomen and clenched down on her insides, robbing Federer of the freedom to maneuver his famously fertile seed. Federer responded with the deftest of touches, slowing the pace down and withdrawing just a bit, tempting Mirka to arch her back, and then he drilled in the winner past the g-spot breaking open the gates of the cervix once again. By now it was all Roger. In another bang-defining moment, during the reverse cowgirl, Mirka tried to dominate the rhythm by increasing her own pace. The Swiss Maestro simply used this strategy against her – absorbing all her heavy pumping like a sponge he waited for a break in her momentum. When her persistence faltered for a millisecond, he seized the opportunity with a swift forward motion, gently dropping her inches along the bed post and gliding on to his haunches. Before Mirka realized what had happened, Federer had the night back under his control with the doggystyle. She never recovered from that one.

The fruits of his labour are there for all to see. Two beautiful baby girls. Who are already being tipped for tennis stardom, might I add.

Commented Federer:
“Yeah I just don’t know, you know. It’s like, unbelievable. I’ve always seen these great men produce twins and I always dreamed that I’d be able to be right up there, you know. A lot of people doubted me, said I was finished, I was shooting blanks. But I never let it get to me. It’s all about moving forward, you know. Breaking new ground.”

On the extra pressure this added on Nadal:
“It’s gonna be tough on him, that’s for sure. But no, Nadal is a good looking guy and the power of his forward thrust is unbelievable, you know. I’m just glad I got to impregnate Mirka before he did.”

Responded Nadal:
“Que?”

Enter: Imran Nazir

2009-08-03T03:31:00.003-04:00

I don’t mind Nasir Jamshed, I really don’t. While I don’t see in him the promise I see in Umar Akmal, the kid has done enough to warrant a chance. And since he didn’t abandon his country for some rebel league in India, I suppose the establishment would place him higher in the pecking order than the IPL prodigals. Also, he didn’t exit the team due to a lack of form. He was actually making runs in the last couple of matches and then got injured.

So, fair enough. He gets to make his case before the other guy. Weak dismissal first match? Chalk it down to nerves. It’s only fair to give him a second chance.

But enough is enough. He’s had his shot, and is only 19 so he’ll get many more if he works hard. But it’s time for him to make way because he is keeping another guy out of the team. And not just any guy.

For the good of all mankind, Imran Nazir needs to play in the fourth ODI.

Look, we’ve all but lost this ODI series. Sure, there is every chance we’ll win this match but Nasir added next to zero to the innings. If we win, replacing one wild card opener for another really doesn’t make a difference. We would still have a winning combination, albeit with a better fielder. And if we lose? Well then the case for Nazir’s inclusion is watertight. The last 2 matches become dead rubbers and we should test him out looking ahead to the Champions Trophy. Imran Nazir may very well score a duck and a 1 in both matches. But I fail to see the relative gain in leaving him out in favour of Yousuf, Misbah or Jamshed.

Also, I think some people tend to undervalue the psychological importance of electric fielding. How often is it that you’re watching a fielding side just go through the motions – shoulders drooping because nothing’s going their way? A brilliant catch, a spectacular save or an unexpectedly precise run-out can turn all that around. It lifts the team up. It rouses them from their indifference. Nazir brings that to the team. I’m not saying he does that on a daily basis. But at least that’s something he is capable of doing. Misbah, Salman and Nasir are NOT capable of that.

Alright, that’s that for the reasonable arguments. Now to appeal to your heart.

Imran Nazir IS Pakistan cricket.

His unpredictability. His flair. His vulnerability to rushes of emotion. His brashness. Match-winning booms followed by sharp declines. Nazir is Afridi by another name (and ethnicity). He's the Beast and I'd insist on calling him that if a friend of mine hadnt already made that nickname all her own.

Nazir is one of the sweetest hitters of the cricket ball in our nation and you’re a fucking idiot if you think Afridi can still bludgeon the way he used to. You think the Yuvrajs and Gayles were picked because of their technique? No, they were picked because selectors understood that, more often than not, you’re going to get a flat pitch so why not opt for players who can make maximum use of that. They were picked for their aggression. A short yet belligerent innings can knock the wind out of the sails of the opposition or rob their best bowler of some of his confidence.

Lets face is – technique is pointless for Pakistani cricketers. We need to fact facts: the players with the best techniques (Younis, Yousuf) are as capable of playing the moving ball as the players with mediocre ones (Akmal, Alam). Not that Younis or Yousuf’s technique is textbook. We have never won matches but out-techniqueing the other batting side. We’ve done it by inspiring ourselves to just outplay the opposition.

And Nazir is inspirational. That’s what a team like Pakistan needs. We don’t need a Khurram Manzoor or a Salman Butt blocking their way to a partnership of 4 runs per over. We’ve always had the simmering talent to be whatever we want to be. We just need certain players to ignite that talent. Check out Akmals innings today. Maybe it’s the trigger that’ll set off Umar Akmal’s talent later in the innings. Fawad Alam’s test century? He was boosted by the psychological lift given by Kaneria and Ajmal’s bowling. And unlike the Maliks, Misbahs and Yousufs, Imran has not been psychologically scarred by Kulusakera and Thushara. The older guys have no confidence against the Lankan bowlers. Nazir will either cream them all over the park, or get out too soon for him to watch the ball beat his outside edge delivery afer delivery, slowly creating self doubt in his mind.

So for the sake of all that is good and holy: Imran Nazir needs to be given a chance to be what he is.

Deep quotes

2009-07-28T10:07:00.006-04:00

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine forwarded me a short essay/answer he had written in response to a question posed in the business school application for Lahore University of Management and Sciences (LUMS).

Suffice to say, I could suggest no improvements to his masterpiece below:

Why do you want a MBA/Executive MBA degree from LUMS? How will you benefit from it? (maximum 4000 characters)

My motivation for joining LUMS stems from an inherent belief that there are no simple answers in real life. There is never a black or white answer, atleast for all the crucial questions. For those lucky enough to have it figured out, life must seem rather pale. But it is not for me to judge them. I live amongst non-linear roads, ones which wind back on themselves and where the forks in the road do not come with right way or wrong way signs. The only markers are your own judgments.

It is thus imperative to allow your instincts to be honed to meet such challenges. Our value systems and social constructs provide only a blurry view of which choices are better and which not. It is however a characteristic of every society to condition us in a manner that we become compatible with the society’s norms.

Isn't it absolute genius?!

You have to read it thrice to really be able to capture its full beauty. The first time you read it you sort of get sucked into believing its normal since the language isn't particularly jarring in the first sentence. Neither is the central theme particularly ludicrous - basically the guy just wants to be a flexible thinker but is expressing that in the stupidest way possible. Half way into the first paragraph, however, you feel your "what the FUCK is going on" sensation starting to kick in - probably around the time where the writer announces that his residence is third house down the non-linear road. So then you collect your thoughts and read it again, now prepared to appreciate the bullshit for what it really is. I would then urge you to read it a third time because there are some brilliant contradictions in there. Like, the "non-linear roads which wind back on themselves". He's basically telling the admissions panel that he likes going around in circles.

Just great stuff.

Lady and the Tramp

2009-07-22T09:02:00.017-04:00

Nothing says "I love you" like your lady paying for your defense counsel.

For all the bad that's happened to Mohammad Asif over the last couple of years, he can at least take solace in the fact that he's found true love in the beautiful (or at LEAST fairly do-able) Veena Malik. This is one lady who knows that the way to a man's heart is his legal costs. The following is an excerpt from an article in the News announcing their nuptials:

Asif gave Veena a car as a gift on her birthday, while Veena bore Asif’s expenses including the fee of the lawyers he had hired in connection with cases relating to his cricketing career.

Now thats class. I wish sometimes the chicks im involved with would quit buying me colognes or clothes and just pay for my medical or foot my car insurance already. I wonder how Asif's mom evaluated the rishta? Ok, can she get along with the family? Check. Can she cook? Check. Can she manage the house servants? Check. Can she field questions from the anti-doping commission and liaise regularly with the lawyers defending Asif against charges of taking performance enhancing drugs which may cripple his career? Check.

Honestly though, I'm glad this happened. As some of you may know, Asif is back in the reckoning for a place in the Champions Trophy and I for one will consider Veena a breath of fresh air when it comes to eye candy in the player's family enclosures. After years of specimens like these:

we'll finally be treated to quality like this:

And why the hell not, I say? We Pakistani cricket fans are an oppressed lot. We usually have to wait for half a decade for the team to do anything of note, so why cant we spend the time in between oggling our heroes wives? Or would you rather watch another exhilirating Khurram Manzoor innings or a tense Danish Kaneria spell of bowling? Seriously, if anyone has a right to gratuitous relief, its us. I mean, sometimes I've caught myself checking out Chacha Cricket when times have been tough on the field (and for me personally).

So all hail this new pairing. May it bring good fortune to Pakistan cricket and may the prospect of boning his wife appear more appealing to Asif than snorting a line of cocaine.

Oh Hina, How i love thee

2009-07-15T11:56:00.010-04:00

I'd like to begin with a quote from renowned philosopher, George Edward Moore:

"Other men said they have seen angels, But I have seen thee, And thou art enough."

Well said, George, well said. I saw an angel today, and her name is Hina Rabbani Khar.

She's the State Minister for Finance and Economic Affairs and with a seductive title like that, you can be sure that she had me at "State". This overachieving young lady puts the "fine" in "finance" and is being marketed by the PPP as a younger, smarter, non-psychotic Sarah Palin. Khar is renowned for her outside-the-box, maverick approach, which is on ample display in the picture below where she chose to quench her thirst with a bottle of Aquafina rather than stale Nestle or conventional tea:

Please forgive me for the effusive exhibition of my feelings, but you must understand, I am in the initial throes of infatuation. I cant hide what I feel, and what I feel is a deep longing for Hina.

You see, after Sherry Rehman left the public eye, I always felt there was a gaping hole in the "hot women in power" category. Fahmida Mirza is a poor man's milf. Fatima Bhutto's hot, i suppose, but she's not in power so she fails one of the two essential prerequisites for being a turn-on in this category. Kashmala Tariq is way above Fatima in the hotness category, but she has this stuck-up, high maintenance aura about her. With Hina, you get the wholesome, girl-next-door-who-owns-the-neighborhood vibe.

But I wasnt drawn to Hina by her looks only. She's quite a sharp cookie. Did you know she was the first woman to present a budget speech to the national assembly (check out the cute picture of her in that last link)? Did you also know that some organisation called the World Economic Forum put her on its list of young global leaders? Well neither did I until I saw her wikipedia page. I couldnt care less if its true or not. Im sure she's decently intelligent to get this far in life, if not cunning as a fox.

The point is, she's cute. She's in power. She could probably get me killed. So I can finally move on from Sherry Rehman.

=======================
Update:

I have just been alerted by a friend, coincidentally another Hina, that Hina Khar is married, though I'm awaiting confirmation on whether it's a happy marriage. Suffice to say that I'm incredibly upset with both Hinas at the moment.

Younis gives Fawad the crazy eyes

2009-07-13T10:43:00.014-04:00

Q: When can you tell a Pakistani player has the potential to be a breakout star?

A: When Younis Khan makes it very clear he wants to rape him.

Check out Younis's expression in the photo above. If that look doesn't spell sodomy for Alam, I dont know what does. Subtlety aint one of Younis's strong suits, and there's nothing delicate about that fiery gaze he's directing at Alam. YK is sizing FA up. YK likes what he sees. YK is going to go to town on that boy after the end of the innings.

And why not?

You see, I'm not rehashing the old "pathans are ravenous gays" jokes, which are pretty tired. Neither am I implying that Younis is romantically interested in Fawad.

Rather, I'm talking about the ultimate test of character Younis subjects all emerging Pakistani cricketers to and this test is usually carried out in a roughly horizontal position (emphasis on "rough"). You see, the mark of any good player is the mark Younis leaves on his body. Misbah got it. Akmal got it. Afridi kind of gave it right back to Younis. But let no one accuse Younis of being an indiscriminate lover. Mohammad Sami never got it, even though many felt he had the potential. Sami wishes YK would have given it to him, but Sami could never have handled it.

Unlike Alam.

Fawad Alam may very well be the missing link in our batting line-up; the solution to all our problems. But far be it for Younis to simply celebrate him as such. Younis is not given to faint praise. He's seen them come and go. He's been around for guys like Mohammad Asif who were trumpeted as the second coming of Christ but couldn't handle a night with YK - turning to drugs and steroids to relieve the pain from that one night YK tested his mettle.

And if anybody thinks I'm talking out of my ass, check out Sidharth Mongia's confirmation of YK's special test:

Younis told him (Fawad) he had got something for him, which he would show him in the dressing room.

If Alam is ever to make it as a player, he has to grit his teeth and survive Younis's test. If he truly wants to convince himself and the world that he's for real, he has to withstand the thrust of Younis's argument. In order to earn the respect of his team and his country, he has to match Younis pound for pound. He has to let Younis drive his point in. Alam shouldn't approach this test half assed, but rather be very anal about the fact that Younis give him the full monty.

And I think the kid can do it.

Michael Bay can’t direct humans

2009-07-10T18:07:00.019-04:00

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen reviewed

[I have pasted a few randomly selected stills from the movie to give you a flavour of what I’m writing about]

About a quarter of the way through Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, I had to ask myself:
Why, in spite of its many shortcomings, was I really enjoying this movie.

After all, there’s quite a lot not to like about the movie:

The Autobots weren’t given more of an individual identity as compared to the last movie – in fact, at least the last movie had more then passing references to the supporting Autobot cast. Once again, it’s all just Optimus and, to a lesser extent, Bumblebee. It sucks because its only possible for an audience to root for characters if they’re “humanized” to a degree, which would have been possible by allowing each Transformer to exhibit certain personality traits (gruffness, fear, eagerness).

The Decepticons seem weaker in this installment. Not only does the supreme badass Megatron cow down before his mentor, his mentor pretty much admits he’s going to shit bricks if a true Autobot leader shows up to a fight. So once Prime enters the fray, Michael Bay has already ensured that the audience knows its curtains for the bad guys. Also, I was hoping StarScream would get his chance in the sun this time around.

The comic element introduced by the human protagonist’s parents slips into camp at times. They’re funny at first, kind of like the American Pie dude’s father was funny in the movie. But the jokes deteriorate rapidly into farce. Sometimes it feels like you’re watching an Indian movie. You know - those serious Indian movies which rely on the “bumbling” hired help/servants to provide the laughs. It’s that bad. The humor in general is lame after the first half hour. It kills me that they could have utilized some of the time they wasted on jokes towards giving the robots more of an identity.

After the first 15-20 minutes, basically as soon as Sam walks into college, any scene without a robot sucks ass. Michael Bay canNOT handle hate, gravity, anguish, love – basically any aspect of human behavior and emotion. And, uffff, the dialogue is “has-to-be-heard-to-be-believed” bad.

Sam, the central protagonist, is an ungrateful shit. I mean, who the HELL would turn down an opportunity to hang out with the Transformers? If Optimus Prime came to you and asked you to be his spokesperson, would you actually tell him to leave you alone because you’re a “normal kid with normal problems”? Hell no! Can you imagine the kind of action a guy would get with those kind of friends? Frankly, its utterly implausible that a character Sam’s age would not want to be associated with the Autobots. Angst is angst but this is just fucking preposterous.

So what was it about this movie which had me hooked?

Well, I suppose it was a bunch of things but I’m having a hard time pinning it down.

It could be Optimus Prime. While the Autobot focus was mostly Optimus-oriented, the big guy made the most of his screen time. From his action sequences, to his unquestionably majestic presence, the guy is a movie unto himself. His character would have benefited so much more if he had a dynamic with at least ONE of the other Autobots. But regardless, he carries his race for 150 minutes.

Speaking of action sequences, that may very well be the reason I enjoyed this flick since Michael Bay outdoes himself in this regard. The robot battles in this installment will blow your mind right back through your asshole! The level of detail is spectacular – at times you can track each blow being traded by these massive machines. The special effects in the movie are truly summer-movie worthy and then some. There’s a sequence when some kind of Decepticon dog barfs thousands of spheres into a tunnel leading into a government facility. To watch those spheres combine and turn into something was beautiful – almost a work of art akin to the T-1000’s liquid effect from Terminator 2.

Oh, and the mid-movie fight sequence in the park/woods? To-fucking-die-for. That has to be one of my favorite action sequences of all time.

Notice how the good things about the movie follow a pattern of being non-human. It goes on. The plot being hatched by the Decepticons really hooks you in. You get to learn about a bit of the history of the Transformers and a BIT about where they come from (but not who made them). I’ll give Michael Bay credit for stumbling upon the realization that moviegoers MIGHT just want to know more about the eponymous characters of a movie they spent good money to see.

So yeah, I guess it’s a combination of the reasons above which made this such a fun movie. However, I don’t think I could stomach the human scenes again. Particularly the interaction between Sam and his girlfriend as well as his parents. I’ll deifnetly get the dvd so I can forward past that shit.

As a sidenote, Megan Fox, playing the character of Mikaela Banes, is also looking very nice through the course of the film. The following is a picture to illustrate my point:

An Open Letter to Salman Butt

2009-07-07T13:11:00.017-04:00

Dear Salman Butt,

I hope this letter finds you well, and by “well” I do mean in inexorable pain and mental agony.

My name is PakFan69. Do not mistake my pseudonym as some kind of attempt to hide my identity. Nothing would make me happier than to tell you who I am, arrange a meeting between us, and then shoot you through your spinal chord. However, I speak to you today not as an individual, but as part of a larger collective. My words are those of hundreds upon thousands of Pakistani cricket fans - hence I have chosen the alias “PakFan”. As for an explanation of the “69” part, you can ask your sister about that one.

Salman, I don’t really know how to begin this. Most of me just wants to barrage you with obscenities and insults and point out how you have absolutely no talent and have chiefly contributed to some of our heaviest losses. Yet another part of me wants to actually try to understand you. How could God create someone so devoid of talent and backbone. Surely you must have SOME redeeming feature. I don’t think it’s possible for someone to be as waste of a bunch of atoms as you. If there isn’t anything worthwhile within you, surely you would have committed suicide by now to put an end to your wretched life, right? However, a very small part of me also wants to help you Salman; to nurture you. It’s a very small part, but its there nonetheless. I want to give you a guiding hand and help you through this difficult time and try to make a man out of you. I want to do all this because when you do make something of yourself after years of trial and error, I want to be there to take you to the ground we used to visit to perfect your technique and hire two gargantuan Afghanis to gang rape and sodomise the hell out of you and, when your sore-assed body crawls over to me, gasping out “whyyy, PakFan69 bhai, why”, I can pull out the revolver with the one bullet I’ve been saving for the last couple of years for this moment and shoot you through the face with it. A small part of me would do this, Salman, because I’m assuming that kind of betrayal and death would be more painful and heartwrenching for you than anything anyone else could think of. The fact that a father figure has that kind of contempt for you would conclusively make you realize what an overall shit you are before you passed over to the next life. But, like I said, only a small part of me wants to do all that because it would take too much time.

Salman, remember when you started out your career? People… it almost nauseates me to say this… people regarded you as the next SAEED ANWAR. Its kind of like saying that Jesse Jackson is the next God. No, that analogy is not apt because Jesse Jackson has done okay for himself in his narrow sphere. Its kind of like saying Dinara Safina is the next Steffi Graf. Again not totally apt because Dinara’s won a few titles and is the Number 1 tennis player in the world. Im having trouble finding a good analogy because I cant think of any instance where someone who is such an abject failure is compared to one of the greats in his field. Usually, the person being compared has SOME redeeming quality. But, as OBA rightly pointed out, you’re good at nothing.

Why were you touted as the next Saeed Anwar? Basically because you’re a left hander. That’s it, Salman. NOTHING else about you justifies that comparison. I adored Saeed Anwar and, right off the bat (heh), I felt personally injured at the comparison being made. Saeed was beautiful to watch. Whether he was driving through the off, or flicking through leg, he was one of those players who wasn’t capable of playing an ugly shot. You seem to have it in reverse – a graceful Salman Butt shot is the Haley’s Comet of world cricket. You can only, ONLY, play through the off side. And that too, only through certain gaps and channels in that off-side. Hell, I could draw a couple of lines through the offside field which would perfectly match the trajectory of your strokes.

The comparisons to Anwar were given weight by your record against India. Sure, you’ve scored a couple of hundreds against India. Does that make you good? Ijaz Ahmed had a good record against Australia, and where is he now? Having an asthama attack behind a jail cell on charges of fraud and waiting for his conjugal visit from Salim Malik’s sister. Even that frightening outcome would be too good for you.

The whole world took notice of you when you scored a hundred and a half century IN Australia against an attack which included Glen McGrath and Shane Warne. Those greats didn’t deserve to have a gandu like you score runs against them. A lot of very intelligent cricket fans thought that this was it – finally one half of our opening conundrum has been solved. Finally, we have another world class batsman in our line-up.

But I wasn’t fooled. I recognized you for the no-talent waste of space that you are. You were dropped once in that innings in Sydney and had two close lbw shouts turned down. Plus, your century came after we had lost the series and you had no pressure on you. And hey, every fucking bharwa dog has his day. That was yours. Even Vanilla Ice had one hit song. Where the fuck is he now?

Over the course of your career, you’ve actually ADDED to your shortcomings when most people try to improve on them. You’ve managed to become the worst fielder in our team, which is saying something for a Pakistani unit. Kamran Akmal must love having you around because the number of catches you let slip through your gay fingers takes the attention off him. Isn’t human existence supposed to follow a pattern of development – don’t we add to our skills or refine the existing ones? You seem to be deteriorating as time passes by. You’re the antithesis of a fine wine.

And now here we are. Our first test match after months and our first competitive game after the heady victory at the T20 World Cup. Bravo Salman, you managed to spoil both occasions for us. There was no need for that shot after Yousuf had just gotten out. Don’t you know you’re incapable of taking the attack to good bowlers and playing outside your limited comfort zone? And, in the space of a few seconds, you’ve extinguished most of the euphoria flowing out of the T20 triumph.

Tell me Salman, make me understand how a senior batsman in the team with 5 years of experience can play with such utter disregard for the circumstances around him. Explain to me why a guy who is supposedly the most educated guy in our team refuses to learn from his mistakes and doesnt put in the hard hours in correcting the substantial glitches in his technique. I don’t get it Salman – doesn’t being such an asshole affect you? When you wake up in the morning and look at your face in the mirror, what stops you from taking your razor blade and slitting your own throat as final penance for the embarrassments you’ve subjected Pakistan cricket to?

Salman do us all a favor and please exit the team. Currently your test and one day averages sit at 28 and 38 respectively and in the last year your average is probably half that. So, by your own standards, you’d still be going out at the top of your game. You seem to be sort of educated so maybe you can get a desk job of some sort. Im sure there is SOMEthing you can do in life. It’s just not cricket.

Kind regards,

PakFan69.

p.s. I also blame you for the death of Bob Woolmer.

Wimbledon quips

2009-07-01T15:17:00.005-04:00

I thought these jokes up myself.

Honest.

Alright, so Tommy Haas beat Novak Djokovic in the quarter finals right?
At 31, Tommy is the oldest guy in the draw, yet made it into the Semis.
I guess he's proved to the world that he's no "haas"-been.

So Federer beat Ivo Karlovic in straight sets, huh?
Whether you're a Fed fan or not, you have to admit that Roger's a GOOD guy.
So you might say his victory over Karlovic was a triumph of good over Ivo-l (like, "evil", get it?)

Speaking of Karlovic, he despatched Fernando Verdasco in the earlier rounds, right?
Back in the first week, everyone was saying that Fernando would making it ll the way to the quarters.
But here were are and he's nowhere to be seen, prompting people to wonder "where'd-dasc-go".

Anybody catch Andy Murray's thumping of Juan Carlos Ferrero.
Man, they're still looking for someone who can get the better of Murray.
And I guess Ferrero wasnt the "Juan". So much for him being the chosen "Juan". (stole that last one from a Mourinho related headline).

Why did Lleyton Hewitt lose to Andy Roddick in their quaterfinal encounter?
Because Hewitt was lleyt-on his service return. (Actually he was pretty solid with his service return - i just didnt know what else to do with his name)

Thanks, i'll be here all week.

Destiny Beckons: Previewing the Pakistan v.s. Sri Lanka Final

2009-06-20T00:45:00.002-04:00

In his biography of Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah, Stanley Wolpert described an incident which occurred a few days after the landmark Lahore Resolution was passed by the Muslim League in March 1940.

An unnamed party clerk came upon the Quaid in the hallways of the Lahore HQ of the League and ceased the occasion to sound out his pessimism and misgivings regarding the Two-Nation theory and establishment of an independent state. It seemed impossible in the face of a strong Congrss and a League which still stood divided between its pro-Congress and pro-British factions. All the odds seemed stacked against the accomplishment of this task.

To this, the Quaid is said to have replied: “This is not a task, an assignment or a mission. This is our destiny. This is something which we were meant to have and, be it now or years from now, it is something which cannot be denied to us. It is our destiny to achieve this – we just have to wait for the right time.”

For many Muslims, the time was then.

For all Pakistani cricket fans, the time is now.

Anybody who tells you that this tournament doesn’t matter is a jackass. Anybody who disregards the importance of these matches due to the nascence of the format is short-sighted. Hell with them. We, the embattled Pakistani cricket fan, know how much this means to us. How much it has already meant to us.

I’m going to give all the pessimistic Pakistan cricket fans the benefit of the doubt by declaring this:

In the back of our minds, we all knew that there was every chance we’d get here.

I don’t know what it is about this campaign, but it’s struck all the right chords. Even when we were being thrashed in the warm-ups, our minds wandered to the “cornered tigers” speech. There was just too much going wrong with Pakistani cricket for us to simply bow out in ignominy.

Pakistani fans are a catious, conservative lot. We’ve had our hopes dashed on far too many occasions to place any concrete faith in our fortunes.

But this time it’s different.

Be it Gul’s law-of-averages defying pin-point yorkers, Afridi’s mercurial genius, Akmal’s raw brilliance, Ajmal’s understated flair, Aamir’s youthful daring, Alam’s unquestionable promise, Younis’s unpredictable canniness or whatever you want to use to describe Malik, Razzaq and Misbah. The stars have aligned for us. We feel it in our deepest recesses and it’s only our inherent culturally ingrained conservatism and cynicism which restrains us from voicing it.

This is a team of destiny. And we’re on the cusp of something incredible.

Sound familiar? In using the concept of destiny, I realize I’m borrowing a catch word/phrase from the Barcelona Football Club’s recent campaign. But when you have two of the best midfielders in the world, two of the best strikers in the world and the greatest footballer in the world at your disposal, isn’t success an inevitability rather than destiny? Barcelona did everything to put themselves in a position where they were destined to achieve some level of success.

Pakistan don’t have the luxury of circumstances. How could anything over the last two years be construed as positive steps towards a manifest destiny? Shoaib Malik captained the team into a mire. Naeem Ashraf alienated some of our best players. We’ve been rocked by constant drug scandals. A visiting team was freaking shot at. We’ve lost our status as a cricketing venue. Think about that. A powerhouse of a sport not being allowed to host any sort of international fixture. We play next to no competitive cricket for long stretches during the international calendar.

How could anyone say that getting to the T20 final is inevitable form the above facts. There’s something more to it than pure luck or chance.

It’s our destiny to be here. We deserve this. If not because of the facts I just mentioned, then because of the multitude of facts I haven’t. How the hell did a team whose followers have lost all hope, whose governing body may even have considered withdrawing it from the stage, whose country is rocked by suicide bombing and political and religious strife – how the hell did such a team get into the final.

Didn’t I just make my point? It’s our destiny.

A friend of mine is a real destiny-buff. I don’t usually buy into the whole predetermined course of events thing, but this friend has a particular approach to the concept of destiny. According to her, once you “account for karma” then one’s destiny is, pardon the circularity of the logic, inevitable. At the time, I thought it was one of the stupidest things I had ever heard. Today, on retrospect, I owe her an apology. I don’t know if I’ve interpreted her correctly, but basically, everything which has happened over the last couple of years has lead us to this moment.

Last time we left England, it was in a mixture of shame and disappointment. A major test match forfeited because a captain refused to let his country’s name be sullied. Not that it mattered anyway because sullied it was through the downfall of two of our best bowlers. We tragically lost a coach, murdered by 11 Irish upstarts. Yet we persisted. We lost Afridi as a batsman, but gained him as a bowler. There was a mass exodus towards the ICL, yet we retained Umer Gul who grew in stature. A reshuffling of the established order took place, a reliance on youth, and we were suddenly, almost unbelievably, in the finals of the first T20 World Cup. Brought there on the shoulders of a middle order batsman who contrived to somehow ensure defeat just when you sensed victory was destined. But it wasn’t our time then. The story after that you know. And now we’re back where we started. Back where things started going wrong for Pakistan cricket in the first place.

THAT, is fucking karma! We’re meant to come here. It’s just so damn perfect! We were meant to come here to finally put the ghosts of Darrel Hair and the Oval forfeit to rest. Hell, we even managed to vanquish the Irish on the way here. The only thing left is for Younis to promote Misbah over that fuck-up Malik and let destiny redeem him for his error last time around. It’s all falling into place. There is something about this team which will not be denied. It’s our destiny to be champions. Too much has gone wrong in the last couple of years for it to be taken away from us now.

One more thing Ms. Destiny said to me: “fate only helps those who help themselves”. Hardly an original thought, but poignant nonetheless. I know I’ve said a lot of abstract stuff about destiny, but we can’t go into the final expecting to win because we boast a phenomenal head-to-head record against the Lankans. We need to work towards achieving that destiny. This will NOT be a cakewalk by any means. If Gul is the Prince of death-bowlers, then Malinga is his younger step brother in waiting for the throne. Murali and Mendis are more than a match for Indian batsman which makes one shudder to think how anyone other than Younis will handle them. Their batting powerhouses are formidable and in Dilshan they have the best batsman of the tournament by far who will most probably kill Razzaq. The amount of runs Razzaq leaks to Dilshan and Jayasuria is key to our success because I KNOW our spinners and Gul will not disappoint. If we bowl, we need to get Jayawardene, Dilshan and Jayasuria. If we bat, we need to maximize the number of runs we get in the first couple of overs before Malinga and the spinners take over but still keep ticking along at around 7-8 an over during the middle period of the innings. Misbah needs to be sent higher up the order to account for his sins of the past. Younis has to reverse sweep the crap out of the M’s. And Afridi has to be Afridi.

It’s that simple.

Our destiny is staring us in the face. We just need to help ourselves get to it. It’s calling out to us. It wants us to claim it. This is our time.

Come what may in the final, this IS the new dawn for our team.

I fucking love Pakistan cricket.

p.s. If Sri Lanka do beat us, it doesn’t change the fact that as a nation, we are by FAR better looking than them.

p.p.s. The first paragraph on Wolpert and the Jinnah story was all a lie. I made it up to lend some gravitas to the piece. Hell, it COULD have happened.

7 Reasons Why Younis bowled Fawad

2009-06-19T06:12:00.002-04:00

Cricket can be such a fickle game.

In the 17th over of South Africa’s run chase, Younis tossed the ball to 23 year old Fawad Alam for his first over of the tournament, not to mention his first over in international cricket for 7-8 months.

If Alam had picked up a lucky wicket or two, very likely since the Saffies had to go for broke at that time, Younis’s move would have been hailed as a masterstroke. Rather than be confounded by its perplexity, we would have been awed by its creativity.

Sadly for Younis, and Alam, such an outcome didn’t come to pass. Luckily for Younis, nothing hinged on that over and Pakistan ended up with a spectacular victory against a team which used to beat us for fun even during our 99-00 heydays.

But there was much more to the rationale behind Younis’s decision than simply exploiting an opportunity for picking up cheap wickets. We all know Captain Younis has a unique approach to the game, thinking far ahead of the current situation – a Galileo of his time if you will. In his inventiveness, Younis is so far outside the box that the box is just a dot on the horizon to his maniacal eyes. His decision to bowl Alam makes perfect sense, given the circumstances and the way he gauged the situation:

1. He wanted Alam to scuff up the old ball by being hit around to facilitate reverse swing.

Its hardly rocket science. Batter a ball enough, and its bound to start swinging. The South Africans werent going for their shots and Younis needed the ball to develop some roughness in order for it to start reversing. Hell, he outright pointed out this strategy at a press conference where he bitchslapped that cry baby Vettori by reminding him that a ball could wear and tear by constantly being smacked around and being hit into the stands. And he needed a bowler who would help him accomplish that. Malik is way too senior to be sacrificed in that manner. So the onus fell on Alam. Who responded admirably under pressure to keep the run-rate down. He'll bear a lot of brunt from short sighted Pakistani fans. But he'll know that he did the job asked of him. He gave the ball every chance to reverse once it got back into Gul's hands. And Gul needed every advantage since...

2. Umer Gul was concussed.

Did anyone see Gully’s head smack the turf when he spilled a halwa catch off Aamir’s bowling. The thud on impact jerked his entire body. There’s no doubt that Gully was seeing stars, further evidenced by his lackluster first two balls. Younis didn’t want to put too much pressure on Gul’s fragile cranium at that point so he had to opt for someone else.

3. That someone else couldn’t be Shoaib Malik.

Shoaib Malik can keep the runs down when the asking rate is just around a run-a-ball or slightly more – basically, where the batsman don’t have to go out of their way to smack him around. If they’re looking for a bowler to outright hit out of the park – Malik is their man. He can’t beat the batsmen through the air. He sucks at darting the ball in. Younis was probably sure that Malik would be expensive at that point and I’m absolutely positive Malik would have leaked as many runs as Alam. Additionally, Kallis had already had a sighter of Malik’s one over, so why not just go for something new since it’s our inherent unpredictability which got us this far in the first place. Younis is always thinking two overs ahead of the match, which is why…

4. He actually gave Alam that over to warm up his throwing arm to effect those last over run-out(s).

Say you’re Younis Khan. You know your team is inches away from pulling off something special. You’re racking your brain about South African failures in the past and wondering what you can implement from those instances. Your mind harks back to the most famous South African debacle: the 1999 WC semi against the Aussies. You realize the South Africans are prone to frenzied running in the final over, making them vulnerable to sharp fielding. So you want your best fielder to be patrolling long on/off and be ready to fire in a great throw. Who’s your best fielder? You can’t trust Malik because he found his wife on the internet. You want Shahid close by getting under the batsman’s skin. Gotta be ALAM. But Younis is as cunning as he is farsighted. You don’t want to make your strategy too obvious. You need Alam to secretly warm up his arm. Here’s a thought: give him a bowl! And what’s more, that’ll give you a chance to subtly move him FROM point TO long on/off without the batsman noticing and second guessing your plan. You, Younis, are fucking brilliant!

You’re saying no normal person thinks in such convoluted terms? Well that’s why you’re sitting at some boring office job with your life beginning and ending with your family and friends. That’s why Pakistan won’t remember you and you have added nothing to society and culture. When you and I die, no one outside our circle will remember us and we’ll be forgotten after a generation. Younis will live on. Younis has made something of his life even though his family couldn’t afford to give him even a quarter of the opportunities we were privileged to have. But the few chances Younis did get, he took them. Something we didn’t have the balls to do. So 50 years from now, someone will say: “Hey, remember when Younis gave Fawad that over during the T20 World Cup? What a dick.” And someone will respond: “Hahaha, yeah that was nuts. And then he gave Alam the last over in the final against Sri Lanka and we still won that tournament. Man, I wonder if that’s what gave Alam the confidence to go ahead and score consecutive hundreds in test series verses South Africa and Australia as well as marry Shakira. Anyway, I’m off to watch President Younis’s latest address to Parliament and the Senate”.

Oh, you think the suggestion that Younis might one day lead our country politically is far-fetched do you? Well not if you consider the fact that…

5. Younis gave Fawad an over to ease communal tension in Karachi.

The facts behind this argument are as clear as day. In fact, we’re stupid not to consider it. Alam is Urdu-speaking. Younis is Pathan. Younis is all about brotherhood, love and having “fun”. Younis just wants everybody to get along, which is why the tension between the Mohajirs and Pathans in Karachi is particularly unbearable for someone like him. He feels he has to contribute to easing the hostility between the two sides which is why he gave the Urdu-speaking chap his chance in the sun. What better public display of communal togetherness than a Pathan trusting a Mohajir in a time of crisis. It’s like something out of a movie. Sure, you can turn this around and say that by putting an inexperienced Mohajir player in a pressure situation, Younis risked doing more harm than good when that player inevitably failed. Fair enough. But Younis acts on impulse. And his initial impulse is always a positive one. And if there’s one thing Pakistan has come to accept from this tournament, it’s that they’re at their best when it comes to relying on their instincts. Which brings me to my last, perhaps best, reason for bowling Alam in the last over.

6. Just go with the unpredictable flow.

Pakistan’s approach to this tournament can be likened to Christian Bale’s movie career. Everyone knows that Bale has all the natural talent in the world but he refuses to stick to the safe route of conventional studio dramas and chances his acting chops with risky roles which could break his career. “American Psycho” could have killed him. Instead, it made him Batman. But for every Batman, there is a “Reign of Fire”. For every “Machinist”, there is a “Swing Kids”. But why should he stop taking chances in the roles he chooses? He holds an eminent position in Hollywood due to most of those risks paying off so why toss the philosophy out the window.

Likewise: Pakistan. Would ANY other team have responded to a peripheral batsman’s failings by promoting him to one-down? Most teams wouldn’t have chanced Afridi as a central batsman, let alone trust him with that kind of responsibility. And I for one am glad we aren’t most teams. It’s what makes being a Pakistan cricket supporter so fucking special. It’s the one unique thing we have in sports. Our natural drama. And I’d absolutely hate it if our team became as formulaic as the Australians or the South Africans or as inflexible as England. To love Pakistan is to love the romance of chance. In a game of poker, we are the eternal first timers. Totally unpredictable; always rethinking our strategy without a clear understanding of the mechanics; capable of flashes of brilliance yet, more often than not, vulnerable to moments of stupidity. So please, take the good with the bad. If you love Pakistan cricket, the Fawad Alam decision was totally in character with the spirit we play the game with. I’m glad Younis is making moves like the Alam decision – it reinforces my belief that we’re playing cricket the best way we know how. I say open the batting on Sunday with Alam and Gul and

7. Because Salman Butt is an asshole.

Yeah I only said 6 reasons. But I’m being like Pakistan – unpredictable and impulsive. You know what IS predictable about Pakistan cricket though? Salman Butt’s lame-ass batting at the top. This guy is a bane to Pakistan cricket. He doesn’t know how to accelerate. He sucks at being a good anchor because he can’t rotate the strike. And he’s the reason Alam didn’t bowl a better over. Butt has been keeping guys like Alam out of the team for years now. If we had dropped Butt like a year back, maybe Alam would have gotten more exposure and, thereby, would have been better equipped to bowl such a crucial over. But no – the management refuses to drop Butt because he can string together a few sentences worth of English. As Afridi showed the world yesterday, you don’t need a broad vocabulary to get your message across in this game. All you need to do is be able to blow an obnoxious kiss and have at your disposal a solid, hearty “Inshallah”!

Bring on the final.

"You know the hole to put it"

2009-04-21T14:32:00.004-04:00

I know a random post after months of silence without any explanation seems really odd, if not outright rude. But I just had to share this.

I think the actual language is Telegu which is from South India or something. I gotta learn this language if it sounds so hilariously obscene.

Some readers, if we have any left (or had any to begin with), may have already seen this.
Whatever. Its worth viewing again. Watch out for the request directed towards Oliver to commence defecating.

Worth So Much More Than A Thousand Words

2009-03-16T01:59:00.003-04:00

I know it's moving and all. But still.

Joke of the Day

2009-03-11T15:19:00.003-04:00

What do you call the Champions League now that Real Madrid have been knocked out?

UnReal Tournament.

You know... like the video game.

To keep this joke fresh, keep on alternating your pronunciation of "Real" in the punchline between the regular "real" and the Spanish "Real".

Another reason to not put your money in the bank

2009-03-05T15:29:00.001-05:00

Given the current economic clime and global financial meltdown, people everywhere have been worried about the money they have in banks, etc. However, for reasons I can't really fathom, the 83 year old woman below, who "had for years kept her savings in a desk in her home..finally decided it would be safer to put the cash in a bank account."
Unfortunately, for reasons I guarantee you could not have seen coming, she lost all her money. Don't engage in too much schadenfreude though, you've probably lost all your money too - you just don't know it yet.
http://www.thelocal.se/17918/20090301/

In other news, also from Sweden, the economic conditions have gotten so bad that people are now stealing things that are actually given away for free:
http://www.thelocal.se/17888/20090227/
Like condoms. From an association that exists solely to help in the prevention of STDs. By doing things like giving away, wait for it, FREE CONDOMS.
The only rationale I could come up with, was if the thief was really small and was ashamed of asking for the little condoms. However, we're then presented with the following:
"But according to staff at the office, all that was taken was a small sum of money and fifty extra large condoms. None of the smaller sizes were touched."
WTF - Extra Large? Are you kidding me - this dude should be walking into the place stark naked in broad daylight. That's what I would do. I mean, do. That's what I do.

Networking 101

2009-02-25T14:47:00.006-05:00

Please find below an email sent a couple of days ago to someone I know.
I've included it in full, and added my analysis after. This is a long one, so settle down, grab a Milwaukee's Best Light, and read on...

------------

From: Ballsy F. Buffoon
To: Potential.Cradlesnatcher@Alum.Dartmouth.ORG
ReplyTo: Ballsy.F.Buffoon@Dartmouth.edu
Subject: Hey
Sent: Feb 21, 2009 4:14 AM

Hey Potential,

We met at (Animal house fraternity) last night. I'm the '12 you didn't wanna show yor tits to.
You're an '03 on Wall Street. You asked me If I needed something, anything. I've been stuck trying to find private equity internships in (major European city) for this summer. Can you help?

Best regards,
Ballsy Buffoon

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

-------------

Initially, I wasn't sure how to break this gem down, but I've decided to keep it simple, judging the email on it's Tone, Structure and Content. One quick note before we get to the email itself - even though the email is relatively coherent, given that Ballsy sent it out at 4.14AM on a Friday night / Saturday morning, I'm going to assume he's had a few Natty Ices. Not that it affects my critique in any way, but I thought it worth noting. Anyhow, down to business then...

Tone:

Starts out with a "hey," which is appropriately casual, using the cougar's first name as well, thus indicating a degree of familiarity. Short sentences in the body, basically statements of facts - no
arguments there either. And lastly, solid professional sign-off with a "best regards" and usage of the writer's full name - making it clear to the reader that while a degree of comfort had clearly been achieved through their interactions, this email (and the writer's intentions) is definitely all business.

Grade: B+ (Would have been an A- if he hadn't used "wanna" - I don't really like that word. Makes me think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xg0AsWruz4k)

Structure:

Overall, Ballsy does a decent job of following structural guidelines to networking emails, as explained to me by numerous recruiters. The one glaring issue is his complete lack of specifics. But he's a freshman after all - I mean, when I was a freshman, I'm relatively certain I would have lost interest in the woman after the titties incident (and my freshman summer was much less about PE, and much more about...well, this isn't really about me so let's just move on).

Back to the structure - 1) Establishes where they met. 2) Establishes who he is. 3) Establishes who she is and what she does, and then gently reminds her that she had been keen to help him (in case she had forgotten, probably because that was the last thing she had said before passing out). 4) Establishes what he hopes to achieve, as well as where and when he hopes to do so. 5) Makes a to-the-point query as to her ability to assist him in his endeavors.

Grade: B- (I would have liked some more specificity as to what he wants to do, and what he remembers of what she does / how that could potentially help him)

Content:

What the fuck is wrong with this kid? On the one hand, given that he's probably only 19 fucking years old, I have to give him credit for having the balls to write this email (hence the pseudonym). Also, props for getting a professional, possibly successful woman, NINE! years your senior, to "asked me If[sic] I needed something, anything." On the other hand, major points deductions for alcohol being heavily involved in both those incidents (probably much more so in the second than the first...but still). Anyway, on to the sentence by sentence breakdown:

1) Okay, so you met at a fraternity - so far so good, but with potential for trouble ahead.

2) So her refusing to show you her boobs was the best you could come up with from a "remember me" perspective? You clearly spoke to this woman for a considerable length of time, given what's said later on...you reallllly couldn't come up with anything else? Nothing at all? Perhaps something a little more fucking relevant like, "I'm the freshman that wanted to work with a PE firm in (major European city)." But no, you went with the titties episode. And she didn't even fcking show them to you! Wait, I'm actually not sure if that's better or worse - from this email's perspective. I mean...from that night's perspective it's obviously worse. How does the following sound, "I'm the '12 you showed your tits to." Hmm, that's probably more embarrassing for ol' Potential Cradlesnatcher, so I guess it's for the best (again, from this email's
perspective), that you didn't get to see her jugs.

3a) I'm glad you highlight that she's an '03 compared to you being a '12. That won't make her feel old at all. And I hate when people say "on Wall Street" What the fuck does that even mean? Who the fck is even on Wall Street anymore? Deutsche? Asif, the fruit-seller? Ahmed, the coffee cart guy? At least fucking say what she does / where she works / anything that shows you were paying a little fucking attention to something besides her luscious breasts. They must have been nice...pity we don't have a picture of the girl. For now. God I love titties.

3b) "you asked me If I needed something, anything" Nice...reads like this is exactly what she said, verbatim. While it is impressive that you managed to get her to say this, it probably isn't the best way to relay it - I mean, it makes her sound like a desperate, drunken idiot (given that she's a working 28-yr-old talking to a 19-yr-old-just-started-college-kid). Also, it could lead to people (like me) calling her Potential Cradlesnatcher, and that doesn't help anybody. Next time, dial it down a notch, brosephus. Not sure why I felt the need to say "brosephus" there, but it felt appropriate. Other terms that could have worked: broski, broseph, brah, broheim, and of course, bro-asaurus rex. For living, breathing embodiments, check this out.

4) Don't say you've "been stuck", bro-asaurus rex, just say you're pursuing numerous avenues or something equally vague while still giving the impression that you have many options. And the "can you help?" while admirable for it's no-nonsense-ness, is a little too direct for my liking. Toss in a, "would be great if you could help" or "I was hoping to speak with you regarding...". I understand that you asked this girl to show her your tits last night, but now the sun is out, most of the alcohol has worn off, and she's probably just realllllllllly hungover - so be nice, and show a little respect.

5) The sign-off. I know I covered this in the Tone section already, but I loved it so much, I had to bring it up again. I don't think we'll ever see another email that contains the line, "didn't wanna show yor tits to," and ends with, "Best Regards, Full Name of Sender." Just fantastic all around.

6) The Post-Script as added by the network provider: I REALLY like this. Having a blackberry speaks volumes more about your professionalism than one of those media-centric iPhones. And it's signficantly better than blitzing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BlitzMail). Significantly.

Grade:

i) In terms of fulfilling the purpose of the email: F-

ii) Entertainment: B+ (more ridiculousness was necessary for an A, e.g., "I'm the guy you sucked off last night," "I'm the guy who prematurely ejaculated on your expensive shoes that you had to wear to work the next day because you were going straight to work from the airport," and so forth...feel free to add your own version in the Comments section)

As an aside, for those interested in understanding the social significance of "blitzing", refer here:
http://www.dartmouth.edu/~thepress/read.php?id=1015

And now for the Worst of the Boss

2009-02-24T15:44:00.004-05:00

Given that I couldn't find The Wrestler online as a single track, I downloaded Springsteen's entire latest album, "Working on a Dream." While the album as a whole isn't awful (there are some catchy melodies), I thought the following song had the worst Springsteen lyrics I have ever seen:

Video:
http://stereogum.com/archives/video/is-queen-of-the-supermarket-the-wors
t-springsteen_048641.html
Lyrics:
http://www.backstreets.com/btx/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=128363

But then I remembered this:
http://www.brucespringsteen.net/songs/57Channels.html

A Few Random Thoughts on The Wrestler, the future Mrs. JJY, possibly the worst way to die, etc

2009-02-24T15:11:00.003-05:00

I can't believe Bruce Springsteen's, "The Wrestler" wasn't nominated for an Oscar. It was the best film song of the year. Period. And the lyrics are fabulous. I stayed through the end credits just to listen to them.
And then you hear about how the song was written, and the long, albeit fragmented (and now much publicized), friendship Springsteen and Rourke have shared, and it becomes that much more special:
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/39544
I found the rest of the interview to be worth a read as well.

Just thought I'd also mention, that I'm going to date her next.
And when things inevitably fall through due to the 15 year age difference, I'm going to marry this one.

Without giving too much away about the fate suffered by this poor 14-yr-old boy, I will say that it involved his rectum, and the chair he was sitting on. As always, beware of Chinese manufacturing.

And from now on, may I suggest sitting on one of these. Not only does it strengthen your core and improve your posture, but it also won't anally violate you.

At the age of six, while you were picking your nose...

2009-02-19T19:58:00.003-05:00

This kid has received a scholarship from the French Football Federation, and is apparently being tracked by the Devil himself (otherwise known as Real Madrid):

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/18/madine-mohammed-6-year-ol_n_167927.html

While I was initially disturbed by the fact that a six-year-old was being fought over, on actually watching the video and seeing what he could do, I'm convinced that he could probably start for Arsenal today (he's definitely better than Song. And Eboue. Ugh). Additionally, he's already taller than Messi, so I suppose he's fair game.

This also reminded me of the australian nine year old who Man Utd signed a couple of years ago:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hG47FDenyXw

Moral of the story, if you have kids, get cracking...I know my baby isn't going to get any food until he successfully Marseille's me.

So what will you look like at 60?

2009-02-19T14:42:00.003-05:00

I can't decide if this link is creepy or interesting...it basically shows what a model would look like from the ages of 10 to 60. Personally, I like the picture of her at 50 best, but you're obviously inclined to your own opinion. Except for picking the first picture.
Please don't do that.
Also, if any Francophile would like to translate what each of the pictures says (or even just present the gist), feel free. It seems to me that they've listed potential products that the pictures could be used to advertise, but that's just a guess.

This'll drive up the male readership!

2009-02-10T12:37:00.002-05:00

........

What, I need to say something?

Alright fine.

Apparently this young lady, at 38KKK, just set a tit world record. And you have to admire her commitment. Apparently, the state of Texas capped her breast enlargements at 34 FFF. Talk about your glass ceilings. Ms. Hershey (if that's her real last name, she is set in the porn industry) would have none of it. Her zeal to be the best (yeah, you'd think i'd try to be funny and say "breast") took her all the way to Brazil, where she finally achieved her life's goal of the magical KKK.

You know, scoff if you will, but in her own way, how is she any different from Michael Phelps?

Seriously.

For Phelps, it was the number 8 which held special significance. 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics (or something like that) was his dream and he sacrificed a lot to achieve it.

For her, it was the triple K's. She gave up a lot too. She dumped her man because he wouldn't back her up. If that doesn't put a tear in your eye, you're a dick. This is the kind of stuff those inspirational movies are made of.

Both of them, in their own respective fields, wanted to excel; be better than the rest; top everything which had come before. And I think its a shame that Phelps is treated like an American hero while poor Ms. Hershey is probably the butt of a million breast jokes.

So Sheyla Hershey: we at whatastupidity salute you.

Screw you, Phelps.

Am I going to hell for posting this?

2009-02-10T12:27:00.003-05:00

Im sure the U.S. government is to blame for this, somehow.

BONUS Links for the Day (non Recession related)

2009-02-04T11:06:00.004-05:00

1) Russia's Owliest (i.e., he looks like an owl. Seriously) footballer is coming to Ashburton. Thank fucking God. Come on you Gunners!

http://soccernet.espn.go.com/news/story?id=615899&sec=england&cc=5901

Andrei, meet Cesc. Cesc, meet Andrei. Excellent.

For an Owly picture:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/euro2008/arshavin438getty.jpg

2) If this man had died, he would undoubtedly have won a Darwin Award. Sadly, he didn't, so he didn't. He did get arrested for possession of coke however, so there's that.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/O/ODD_911_DRUG_ARREST?SITE=AP

The relevant piece:

"Police said Melendez called 911 late Saturday and reported that two men with guns were watching him.

Police records show he hung up, so the dispatcher called back. Melendez answered and asked the dispatcher to hold on, but the dispatcher could still hear what was being said.

A voice can be heard on the recording of the call saying: "What you need? A 10-pack? You need a 10-pack? All right." Police say "10-pack" is slang for a bundle of heroin."

Jackass.

3) Christian Bale goes off on a lighting dude (director of photography?), for distracting him during "the most emotional scene" in Terminator: Salvation. A tremendously entertaining 4 minutes. For a minute, I thought Patrick Bateman was back.

Original Audio:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLXVuy0h29c

Transcript:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/4508022/Christi
an-Bale-rant-Full-transcript.html

The Club Mix:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTihsJQHt48

Recession Specials of the Day

2009-02-04T11:01:00.001-05:00

Given that we're bang in the middle of a recession, I thought I'd
provide you with a few how-the-recession-is-affecting-our-lives links:

1) NY Mag's famed Grub Street has effectively been retitled, "Recession
Is Your Friend," and they're telling us that high-end New York
restaurants are slashing their prices in an effort to entice us to come
in (with unemployment checks or otherwise)
http://nymag.com/tags/recession%20is%20your%20friend/2

2) Also, those same restaurants are being much, much nicer to us,
because all of a sudden, it's realllllly easy to get a table at a
Chanterelle, or one of Batali's 200 Italian eateries
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/04/dining/04note.html?8dpc

3) Excellent set of recommendations from NY Mag's recession-special
"Live Cheap" guide on how to "Eat Like a Prince at a Pauper's Price"
(catchy title, that).
http://nymag.com/guides/cheap-living/cheap-meal/

I would personally recommend the $28 lunch at Jean Georges - I
completely agree that it's "the best $28 you can spend on food today."
If you have $28, that is. On the other hand, that could also get you 4
lamb-and-rices and 1 gyro from the world-famous Chicken and Rice cart on
53rd and 6th...so it's a toss up, really.

4) My favorite of NY Mag's "Live Cheap" suggestions: why waste money on
dates, when you could just microwave Ramen and bang your ex. Good times.

http://nymag.com/guides/cheap-living/recycle-romance/

Oh, read the comments too. Especially this one: "I have sex with my ex
all the time. I trained him too well to let another relationship get in
the way."

5) If you want to make a quick buck, move to Croatia, have a child,
threaten to give him or her a non-traditional name, and BANG!, just like
that the Croatian church will give you 1000 kunas to name your kid Luka
(no, not the one who lived on the second floor...I hope).
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25010512-401,00.html

Links courtesy Tong, BC BC

Because nothing's fun alone

2009-02-03T00:49:00.006-05:00

My favorite commercial of the year - and no, it's not from the Superbowl, because quite frankly, I can't imagine this ad being shown on American television.

Also, the punchline is just brilliant - definitely didn't see that coming. And no, that's not what I meant, get your mind out of the gutter.

When I grow up...

2009-02-02T16:53:00.002-05:00

I'm going to provide zero commentary for this link, because I don't want to ruin it for you. I will say this though - it involves strippers.

And, fyi, I still don't know if I believe her or not...

Take Sausage. Add Bacon. Die.

2009-01-29T16:51:00.001-05:00

No, not because Allah will smite you, but because this little recipe,
called the "Bacon Explosion" (or the "Human Heart Explosion", but I'm
not picky), contains "two pounds of bacon woven through and around two
pounds of sausage and slathered in barbecue sauce."

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/28/dining/28bacon.html?em

For those counting calories, the roll contains, "at least 5,000 calories
and 500 grams of fat." To put that in perspective, that's 2 and a half
days worth of calories, and approximately SEVEN to EIGHT days of
recommended fat.

Just so we're clear - that's more than a week's worth of fat. Makes this
seem like celery in comparison - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6498304/

For more, please see this - http://www.obesityinamerica.org/

And this - http://www.obesity.org/

So the butler didn't do it?

2009-01-29T12:05:00.001-05:00

In an incredible display of stereotype reinforcement, the Nigerian
police have arrested a GOAT on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Their justification? It "morf(ed) [sic] from a human to escape justice."

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/World-News/Nigeria-Police-Arrest-A-Goat
-Over-Attempted-Armed-Robbery/Article/200901415210650?lpos=World_News_Fi
rst_Home_Article_Teaser_Region_9&lid=ARTICLE_15210650_Nigeria_Police_Arr
est_A_Goat_Over_Attempted_Armed_Robbery

I love the absolutely matter-of-factness with which the following
statements are made:

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on
patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car," Kwara state
police spokesman Tunde Mohammed said.

"They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned
into a goat."

Following his confirmation of the ludicrous story, he says this:

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody."

Huh?

In case by this point, you were beginning to doubt his sanity, he
assures you that, "We cannot base our information on something mystical.
It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being
turned into a goat."

Okay then.

Finally, given my admittedly very limited interaction with and knowledge
of goats, I always pictured goats as chilling by piles of straw,
possibly in a kneeling position. However, this must clearly be a
remarkable phenomenon, since, "people have been flocking to the police
station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its
knees next to a pile of straw."

(Link courtesy Tong)

P.S. I'm fairly certain that the goat in the picture is not THE goat in
question (or being questioned).

And you thought you had it bad...

2009-01-28T11:16:00.003-05:00

Italian PM, Silvio Berlusconi, when not trying to run the country or buy David Beckham, says things like the following,

"deploying more troops on Italian streets following a series of rape cases would not guarantee the safety of the country's women because "we would need as many soldiers as there are beautiful girls in Italy - which we will never manage".

Link:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article5589256.ece

In his defense, he continued,

"[my comments were made solely as a] compliment to pretty Italian girls, of which there are millions...I believe that on every occasion it is always useful to use a light
approach and a sense of humour"

I guess he's not such a big fan of time, place, everything, etc

Innocent Bystanders

2009-01-28T11:09:00.002-05:00

It takes an article such as this, to truly show us the extent of these troubled times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/28/nyregion/28daba.html?_r=2

"[The innocent bystanders] shared their sad stories the other night at an informal gathering of Dating a Banker Anonymous, a support group founded in November to help women cope with the inevitable relationship fallout from, say, the collapse of Lehman Brothers or the Dow's shedding 777 points in a single day, as it did on Sept. 29"

My heart bleeds for these poor souls, who surely deserve their AE Platinum cards, Manolos and meals at Megu (highly recommend the kobe beef burger, next time you're there) as much as the next person.

That being said, I thought the following was particularly amusing:

"One frequent topic among the group is the link between the boardroom and the bedroom. "There's actually the type of person who has a bad day on the trading floor and they want to have sex more," Ms. Spinner Davis offered as she sipped a vodka gimlet, declining to say how she knew.
Ms. Petrus chimed in.
"If you're lucky you'll get that guy," she said, not revealing whether she considered herself lucky. "Middle-case scenario: It gets relegated to the weekends.
"Worst-case scenario," she began, and then took another sip of her drink."

Oh, and in case you want more (and yes, I very much do), they even have a blog.

(Link courtesy ZZ)

You there, go home early today...and don't forget to bang your wife

2009-01-27T14:43:00.003-05:00

For a country that has introduced the world to kara-oke (go on, try it), Dance Dance Revolution and even bukkake, this article really shouldn't surprise all that much...but it still does:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/01/26/canon.babies/index.html

(Please note the link CNN chose for the article: canon babies)

"Japan is in the midst of an unprecedented recession, so corporations are being asked to work toward fixing another major problem: the country's low birthrate."

With the country's social and economic welfare foremost in their minds, the bigwigs at Canon have decided to actively participate in alleviating the issue, "letting its employees leave early twice a week for a rather unusual reason: to encourage them to have more babies."

I would like to point out that this is pretty much the most they could do, short of actually procreating themselves (with their employees' wives or otherwise).

Please also note, " [The go home now and have sex idea] also has an added benefit: Amid the global economic downturn the company can slash overtime across the board twice a week."

Helping the country AND adding shareholder value, now that's something these folks could probably learn a little about...

The Reign of Younis

2009-01-27T10:47:00.010-05:00

Did you notice it?
The wind just changed.

Do you hear it?
A soft but relentless tribal drum pervades the air.

Do you sense it?
A cautious optimism fills your being.

Can you see it?
The sun. So bright. And yet. You can look straight at it.

Can you comprehend it?
The world. Today. Its perfectly balanced.

Can you feel it?
It starts in your toes. Steadily, it works its way up your calf, tickling your hamstrings. It shoots up your thighs but is more gentle while traversing your pelvis. It breaks off into two strands upon reaching your abdomen - one strand arrowing up your chest cavity and straddling your gullet on its way to your brain; the other strand curling around your spine, winding its way up your cord. Both slivers of energy meet again in your thalamus, climaxing with the most awesome headrush. A headrush to end all headrushes.

You drop down to the ground in "agony and ecstasy". You're confused. You're scared. What's happening around you? Why do you feel this way? Is this death? Are you god? Did you just get laid for the first time?

No.

The answer is as straight as his bat is during a cover drive. As graceful as his shuffle during a forward defensive. As direct as his throw at the stumps.

There is only one truth.

He has arrived.

I hope you took a good, long look at everything around you yesterday. Things will be very different from here on in.

It's pronounced PENNIS-tun

2009-01-23T14:03:00.008-05:00

Without a doubt, this is my favorite article of the year thus far (I know it's early, but still). Reporting from Crapstone, England, the NYT has compiled a list of some of the most embarrassingly named places in England. I'll try not to spoil it for you, but the fifth-grader in me had to include the following:

“Avoid aesthetically unsuitable names,” like Gaswork Road, the council decreed. Also, avoid “names capable of deliberate misinterpretation,” like Hoare Road, Typple Avenue, Quare Street and Corfe Close.
(What is wrong with Corfe Close, you might ask? The guidelines mention the hypothetical residents of No. 4, with their unfortunate hypothetical address, “4 Corfe Close.” To find the naughty meaning, you have to repeat the first two words rapidly many times, preferably in the presence of your fifth-grade classmates.)

(Link courtesy BC, BC)

U.S. Airways's Next Commercial

2009-01-23T13:59:00.004-05:00

Sometimes, the extra money is worth it...

(Link courtesy Doofus)

Extracted Wisdom

2009-01-22T21:59:00.008-05:00

So, in a rather painful episode, I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed, resulting in my looking like this, or this, only not as cute. Given that I've spent most of my day propped up in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, and getting dizzy watching Season 2 of Lost, while occasionally popping to the bathroom to spit out about half a pint of blood, it's safe to say that I'm not in the best of moods. In fact, I would even go so far as to define it as a combination of woe-is-me-ness, hatred of the world, and general weltschmerz.

But putting my misery aside, the reasons for this post are threefold:
1) I want you to empathize with my wretched (perhaps slightly exaggerated) condition.
2) For those of you who have been through this before, recommendations for what to eat/drink would be very welcome. I've been surviving on gatorade, applesauce and pudding. And oh, I had one of these too.
3) And perhaps most importantly, I would encourage you to check back often - because given the combination of having nothing to do and feeling rather venomous, unless I pass out from losing too much blood, I expect to be rather prolific in my sardonic output.

A couple of quick questions/notes from my time spent in the dentist's office:
Are dentists always late?
Do dental clinics always smell that sterile?
Do women always seem cuter as you're nearing losing consciousness as a result of heavy sedation? I think I may have wanted to marry my dental assistant, but passed out just as I was contemplating popping the question. By the time I came to, the moment was lost. Maybe it was because she had seen the inside of my mouth like none other, or perhaps it was due to my having regained conscousness, and more importantly, coherence - I guess we'll never know.
My seat was parked right in front of a window, and had a fabulous view of the south-east corner of central park (wiki) - essentially this pond here (only because it's winter, it looked more like this). Anyway, the point is, about 30 seconds before passing out, while falling in love with my dental assistant, I also happened to notice, waddling about, bang in the middle of the pond, a long row of...wait for it...DUCKS! I didn't know how to react, and to be honest, didn't really have the time, but seriously - I saw ducks in central park in the winter. Now, I'm sure this is a relatively common sight for those traipsing about the park in heart of winter, but apart from passing out piss drunk once somewhere near CPW, and drinking champagne in the middle of the park on new year's eve three years ago, I haven't really spent much time in the park in the cold months.
That being said, on coming to, it's the first thing I thought of, and all I really wanted to say was, "there you go, Holden."

So there you go.

Note: for those of you who feel I have violated MYK's disclaimer, fuck you - i'm in pain.

Update: Ahhh, Percocet. Excellent.

Deconstructing Barack Obama's Inauguration speech

2009-01-21T16:42:00.011-05:00

Now that that first day hullabaloo is behind us, we can take a step back and carefully consider what Obama said and put it in context. This is a necessary exercise because, admit it, you’ve been so caught up in the movie-premier that was his inauguration, you failed to view his speech with a keen, critical eye.

Whatastupidity has decided rise above the blindly pro-Obama rhetoric and review his inaugural address with a fiercely neutral eye. Usually we would leave the political analysis to our sister site, fiverupees. However, my noble and most respected fellow writer Ahsan goes goo-goo eyed whenever Obama appears on the television, so he may not be the most objective source in this instance.

Forgive the length of the post. Ive cut down the speech to the relevant bits which caught my attention:

“My fellow citizens”

A controversial beginning if there ever was one! I know for a fact (and through personal knowledge) that a couple of foreign university students were present at the inauguration ceremony. So what is Obama trying to say? Is he relaxing citizenship laws? Are bright foreign college students not going to be allowed to go back to their home countries under the auspices of a sham asylum? By extension, can illegal immigrants breathe a sign of relief? Clearly Obama has opened a can of worms right off the bat. Lets hope he calms down as the speech progresses.

“I stand here today humbled by the task before us”

Full defeatist talk already. A Republican would have said something along the lines of: “I am fully aware of the enormity of the tasks ahead of me and they can kiss my white ass because I’m totally going to own them.” Obama’s already getting down and negative. This is not what the red states want to hear. More temerity and less humility.

"Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms."

Who’s writing his speech, Al Gore? Talk about not trying to hide your environmentalist convictions. The Greenpeace office must have collectively orgasmed at such figures of speech being used so early. I had a sneaking suspicion that Obama was a tree-loving hippie.

“our schools fail too many”

Bit harsh calling the youth of the nation a bunch of dumbasses.

Or is he saying that schools should artificially raise test scores. Again, a questionable message to send out.

“Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real.”

No yaar, they are fake. We were just imagining them. Oh seriously.. they’re real? Shit thanks for letting us know. We thought the crumbling economy, collapsing property market, overburdened armed forces and dwindling energy supplies were figments of our imagination. Thanks for the heads up.

“It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame.”

This said with a bunch of Hollywood celebrities sitting around him. Most of Spielberg’s last couple of films have sucked ass and he still rakes in the dough. And Courtney Cox was really working hard on those last few laugh-less seasons of friend, wasn't she. And don’t get me started on her chutia of a husband.

“For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.”

Come ON. How pretentious is that Khe Sahn reference? Full throwing in an artsy, cult reference in the middle of the crowd-pleasers. That’s like someone saying their favorite movies are Godfather, Jurassic Park and then throwing in Requiem for a Dream to try and prove how unconventional and deep they are. This Khe Sahn reference really bothered me. Just stick to My Lai, man. Oh wait, no. The other side got screwed there. How about that battle in the “Black Hawk Down” movie?

“Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began.”

Yeah, they just got fired because their faces were funny looking.

“We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.”

I’m sorry but only God Almighty has true control over the elements. Please don’t overstep your boundaries.

“What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them.”

Hahaha! Oh man! What a CRUEL bitch-slap directed towards U.S. critics in earthquake-hit parts of the world which express any kind of cynicism towards American policy, such as Iran, China, Pakistan and South Asia in general. I have to admit, I loved this subtle little dig by Obama, reminding America's detractors about how they got screwed over by natural disasters. The red states are probably loving that. Oh snap!

“And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day.”

Bet those vampire voters are regretting voting for him now.

“know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and we are ready to lead once more.”

You know that things are going to be awkward when someone wants to be “just friends”. Bad choice of words. Tension usually just builds during the uncomfortable “just friends” period, which usually climaxes (heh) with a big fight over a petty misunderstanding.

“Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with the sturdy alliances and enduring convictions.”

No, it was pretty much just with missiles and tanks. Or at least the deterrent threat of using them.

“you cannot outlast us”

Okay he’s young but it’s a bit presumptuous of him to act like he’s unlocked the mystery of eternal life.

“We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers.”

Suck on it, Mormons! Even the frigging atheists got a shout out. Unifying leader, my Aunt Fanny.

“…but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.”

What a softy. Republicans are going to construe this as indecisiveness on his part. He really makes himself sound naive here. So what, if I unclench my fist after socking you a couple of times with it you’ll just forgive me? How could you NOT try to mess with a country which sends out that message?

“And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.”

Creepy.

Invoking the image of being possessed by an outside force? He’s using scare tactics to influence the electorate faster than Bush did.

“…there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.”

Please be more specific about the KIND of difficult task I need to undertake which will satisfy my spirit.. Counting every grain of said across a stretch of beach is a difficult task but certainly won’t build my character. I’m afraid he has lost me here.

“…and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.”

In Obama’s dad’s case the reason they didn’t let him in was not because he was black, but because he was a cheapass tipper.

“…and with eyes fixed on the horizon.”

Any coach will tell you that you should keep your eyes on the ball rather than look into the distance so the metaphor Obama is going for falls flat.. This whole “looking ahead to the horizon” thing of oft-used and needs to be recognized for what it is: a misleading and dangerous piece of advice. You should always be focusing on what you are going to do which will GET you ahead and towards that horizon. See, this is what’s wrong with America: you’re always looking ahead at the idealized goal you have in mind rather than look down and complete the task at hand.

“Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.”

Hah! Another subtle bitch-slap. This time, by mentioning God twice, it was directed at the non-believers he was championing earlier. That love affair didn’t last long. So much for bringing about a change in Washington politics – he’s like any other politician in his ability to switch loyalties within minutes.

Fellow Crusaders (and our inspiration): The Darwin Awards

2009-01-21T14:29:00.004-05:00

Although this website has been around for ages, when recently bringing it up in conversation, I realized that quite a few people had actually never heard of the Darwin Awards.

Per wikipedia, "A Darwin Award is a tongue-in-cheek 'honor' named after evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin. Awards have been given for people who 'do a service to Humanity by removing themselves from the Gene pool', i.e., lose the ability to reproduce either by death or sterilization in a stupid fashion."

If you haven't been here before, I can't recommend a better way to spend a boring afternoon - while I admit the subject matter is decidedly morbid, the abject idiocy the victims display pretty much frees you from guilt by laughing at someone else's, often fatal, misfortune. In this case, schadenfreude is not only acceptable, it is entirely justified.

I find the ones involving botched burglaries, etc to be the funniest. A couple of doozies:

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-07.html - Burglary attempt, victim awakes, hits burglar in crotch with crutch - cue fun

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin1998-03.html - car thief likes setting fire to cars when he's done using them - i'm sure you see where this one is going

http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin1999-38.html - Palestinian terrorists, Israel switching from Daylight Savings, time bombs - you can't be serious. Oh yes, I very much am.

Nemesis

2009-01-18T18:01:00.005-05:00

The compulsive confessor is the bane of my existence - she really, truly makes me want to hurt someone. Before I explain why, a couple of caveats, sidenotes, legal disclaimers and the like:

While I don't know her personally, I've heard from people who do, that eM is an entirely normal person. This diatribe isn't meant to be a personal attack, it's just an indictment of her puke-inducing blog.

Before going into what I hate about the site, here's the ONE THING I absolutely love - the comments section. It is surely in the highest pantheon of blogs' comments sections - pure gold. Every post has literally tens of comments espousing diametrically opposed viewpoints, constantly battling with and belittling the other side. I love, love, love it. Whether you think she's a skanky whore or the leader of the indian sexual revolution - you have to give her credit, she polarizes like none other (except Hitler maybe. And perhaps Kobe Bryant).

That being said, here are all the reasons I hate this infernal blot on the internet:
1) The writing is putrid. I don't believe this statement needs any explanation - it is self evident.
2) I REFUSE to give credence to the ridiculous notion some of her supporters hold that she is somehow driving indian feminism forward. That's beyond absurd - all she is doing, is relating relatively boring, but somewhat sexual aspects of her life that tend to titillate the repressed indian sexual psyche. And yes, I know that through her writing it seems as if she has matured over the last couple of years, but I'm not giving her credit for that - it's what people in their mid-20s do. They mature. Hey, over the last three years, I think I have come closer to accepting the notion of being monogamous and spending the rest of my life with one woman - where's my cookie?
3) She got a fucking book deal out of this blog. I refuse to link to the relevant amazon webpage, because actually seeing her published work on amazon may make me spontaneously combust. Seriously. Am I jealous, you ask? Am I bitter? No fucking shit, of course I am. Her writing is of the same level as my soccer playing. And you don't see Arsenal handing me a contract, do you? In fact, sometimes, even my 8-on-8 co-ed soccer team benches me. And that's fine - because that skinny, tall blonde girl who kicks freakishly hard does sort of deserve to start ahead of me when she isn't still drunk from the night before. But I digress - my point is this, shouldn't there be some sort of writers' bench on which we can put eM? And more importantly, how would we "bench" her? Also, what's the co-ed soccer league equivalent of writing? Someone needs to answer these questions.
4) One quick note about her book - it's called "You are Here". I understand that by mentioning the name, I risk giving her free publicity in the shape of the four people who read this blog, but I have to make an important point - what the FUCK kind of name is that? Of course I'm here, you flipping idiot, where the fuck else would I be? There? I'm not some kind of magician now, am I? I'm always fucking "here" because that's what "here" means. "Here" is goddamned defined as wherever the fuck I currently am. Fuck me.
5) Lastly - the reason I hate this blog so much, is because it has managed to make my hate myself. No, really, there's nothing I abhor more than myself. Why, you ask? Let me count the ways:
i) I hate myself for ever having visited what is surely the literary equivalent of Dante's ninth circle of hell.
ii) I hate myself more for actually visiting the website on a fairly regular every-ten-days basis. Why? I have no fucking idea - I just can't stay away. Perhaps I'm a sucker for punishment; a masochist even. I knew enjoying being whipped by a 300-pound black woman was a sign of something - but this? THIS? It's just not fair.
iii) But, I hate myself the most, because in the event that I visit the devil's domain and the evil incarnate hasn't posted anything new, I'm actually mildly irritated, since now, I have nothing new to hate.
OH MY FUCKING GOD - I WANT her posts, I NEED her posts.
What have I become?

Mo money, Mo climaxes

2009-01-18T16:32:00.009-05:00

So apparently after a couple more promotions, I'm going to be great in bed.

This article from Times Online posits that women are prone to having more orgasms when their partner is packing. That is to say, packing a hefty wallet.

Giving scientific fodder to millions of sexist guys and elevating a lot of jokes into the realm of fact, the article says:

He (Dr Thomas Pollet, the Newcastle University psychologist behind the research) believes the phenomenon is an “evolutionary adaptation” that is hard-wired into women, driving them to select men on the basis of their perceived quality.

The study is certain to prove controversial, suggesting that women are inherently programmed to be gold-diggers.

After JJY's Goldstar ad campaign, I thought twice about putting this link up due to a fear of this blog being misunderstood as sexist. The article does seem to have a slightly abrasive bent.

The female orgasm is the focus of much research because it appears to have no reproductive purpose. Women can become pregnant whatever their pleasure levels.

Wow. The author pretty much manages to call women sluts AND fickle.

Seriously though, this does sort of make sense. While I know a lot of women are into the whole "bad boy" thing, financial stability and security is more of a priority and this article is an affirmation of the rational nature of female evolutionary psychology.

I'm dying to end with another dig, but I wont.

This is a gay post

2009-01-18T16:08:00.003-05:00

Its time I did society a big favor and officially declared “gay” a safe, non-political, non-sexually charged noun.

A year or so back, a friend of mine noticed that I had started a theme in my Facebook statuses wherein I constantly referred to certain events or situations as gay. Eg: “Pakistan losing the test series is gay”, “Having to visit relatives is gay”. I figured it was funny and people would realize I was just being intentionally ridiculous (“Shrimps and shellfish in general are gay”).

Well my friend didn’t think so. He was pretty offended by my use of the word “gay” and went on about how I was perpetuating a negative and degrading attitude towards homosexuals by my use of “gay” as an insult.

Now I don’t feel very strongly about too many things in life which, I feel, justifies how stubbornly unwavering I can be when I feel I have a real point. And my point is this: “gay” is completely harmless and, actually, a pretty neat word to use.

I have nothing against homosexuals. When I use “gay” in my speech, I’m not using it because I view gays negatively or associate unpleasantness with them. It’s just a really fun word to use; note how it roles off the tongue much easier than “lame” or “jerk” in my opinion. In fact, I’m almost sure that a lot of people who use “gay” when referring to something which displeases them don’t hold a deep resentment towards homosexuals. “Gay” has just become common parlance now. It comes so naturally in a sentence that I don’t even notice its occurrence – sort of on par with “like” and “y’know”.

And homosexuals need to chill out and stop being so self righteous about this. Yeah it sucks that a word which defines who you are is also being used by some people to refer to things they hate but hey, don’t take it personally. We can’t just remove words from our vocabulary because sects of society consider them slurs. What’s next? If nymphomania starts becoming recognized as a legitimate life choice, are we going to have to stop using “fucker”? Try telling my dad to stop using "bastard" if having children outside wedlock becomes a socially accepted norm - he freakin' loves that word.

I know part and parcel of the advancement of society is the tolerance and encouragement of elements in the past which were suppressed or considered taboo. That's progress I guess and I'm fine with that. But why should it have to come at the price of a great word? You cant tell me that the only thing keeping society from accepting homosexuals is the constant use of "gay" as an insult/adjective.

So from here on in, “gay” in its many myriad forms is totally acceptable.

This guy isn't getting another interview

2009-01-18T12:42:00.003-05:00

Talk about bringing your agenda with you to your job. While I was all for the grilling, the whole "will you promise to apologize" bit at the end was kind of childish.

Well, that's not really fair either

2009-01-16T15:34:00.007-05:00

Her:Have I ever told you that I like your pencil
Him: Really?
Her: Hmm, it writes very smoothly.
Him: Thanks, babe.
Her: And, you know, it's manageable.
Him: Manageable?
Her: Yup
Him: What do you mean, "manageable?"
Her: What are you getting mad about? I meant it as a compliment.
Him: Compliment?! How is that a compliment?
Her: What's wrong with you? I was just saying that I liked your pencil.
Him: Yes - because it's "manageable."
Her: So?
Him: Does this mean you've used pencils that were less "manageable" before?
Her: I don't understand...
Him: You know very well what I mean.
Her: Well...
Him: I'll have you know that this pencil has always been very well
received. ALWAYS.
Her: Yes, I can see why. I just told you...
Him: No! It wasn't because of it's apparent manageability. In fact, it was mostly complimented for it's impressive length - with or without the eraser on the back. Wait a second. What was the last pencil you used?
Her: What?! I refuse to answer that question.
Him: Tell me.
Her: No.
Him: Was it one of those new-fangled mechanical ones?
Her: Stop it.
Him: You can't compare a normal pencil to one of those! That's not fair, you know.
Her: I said, stop it! You're being ridiculous.
Him: I'm right then, aren't I.
Her: No - you're not even close. It was a color pencil.

Why the hell not - everybody else is getting some

2009-01-16T11:48:00.004-05:00

In a somewhat surreal turn of events, the Porn industry will request the Federal government for a $5BN bailout.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/07/porn-industry-seeks-federal-bailout/

While skeptical at first, I was convinced by Flynt's following argument,"'People are too depressed to be sexually active,' Flynt said in the statement. 'This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.'"

I dare you to disagree. Also, if you have the time, I recommend that you read the Comments section - some real gems in there. A couple of my favorites:

"Gives a whole new meaning to the words 'Stimulus Package'!"

"He probably would've had better luck with that request during the Clinton Administration."

(Link via email from EC)

Gender Study: Would you like to have a drink?

2009-01-15T19:58:00.009-05:00

The above is a Goldstar beer commercial - they seem to have run an entire campaign based on the theme, including this and this. But what do the feminists think?

(Link via email from ZZ)

The View Outside My Window

2009-01-15T17:11:00.004-05:00

With apologies to Andrew Sullivan.

Incinerate-her

2009-01-15T15:04:00.008-05:00

JJY’s book reference a couple of posts down got me thinking. The market is flooded with these “self-help” books, if that’s the right term. A bunch of authors out there think they know how they can make your life better, or less crap than it presently is, and are willing to systematically explain their methods.

And I’m not going to make fun of them.

I think its pretty sweet for someone to think they can help others out, even if their solutions to life’s problems are based on a very narrow or skewed understanding of other people’s priorities. I think it’s considerably more noble to try and tell people what you have learned in your life which could help them, rather than simply elaborate on what a gigantic skank you are (for an example of the latter, please read an upcoming post by JJY). That's why I don't dislike Tom Cruise for preaching Scientology - in his mind he feels it'll help people.

So let it not be said that whatastupidity never shares its select wisdom with others. In the interests of enlightenment, I will now divulge one of my own socio-cultural codes which, I feel, just may enrich the lives of any readers flexible and open-minded enough to give it a try.

It’s a new sexual position I call Incinerate-her. I invented it myself.

(Get it? Pronounced like, “incinerator”, but with the “her” in the end)

Basically you start off by lighting a small fire (I should mention that this position isn’t conducive to the indoors so if your partner is one of those outdoorsy types then this should be right up his/her alley).

Now the fire should be a few paces away from the couple – I would say an approximate distance of about 10 feet (more or less depending on stamina and strength of either party – more on that later).

The couple assumes a position wherein the guy is sitting up on his knees and is entering the girl from behind (not behind as in her rear end – he is just behind her). This is where I borrow from doggystyle a little, since that is essentially how the couple are supposed to be in relation to each other. However, with incinerate-her, the girl is more lying (in a crawl position) on her belly rather than on her haunches. Also, the guy may not want to be sitting up straight on both knees. He may went to use one of his feet for leverage.

Leverage? Crawl? Not sounding too sexual? Well that is the entire point, you see.

Incinerate-her revolves around the guy trying to push the girl into the fire using jerky, forceful pelvic thrusts to push her forward. The girl, on the other hand, will try to escape that fate by going the opposite direction - crawling back via frantic, backward thrusts of her rear end. She may use her arms to heave herself back. Picture it as a sort of tug-of-war, at least the to-and-fro part.

It is this struggle for survival which provides the impetus and the charm of this position. Normal sexual positions are so one-dimensional. What motive do you have for missionary or cowgirl, other than the simple pleasure of a quickie?

With incinerate-her, it is not only the joy of love-making, but the thrill of possible bodily harm which drives the couple’s energy and enthusiasm. I personally feel it’s a very poetic position. What is sex but ultimately a means towards creating new life. And how poetic is it that this sexual position depends on ones zeal to take a life, and anothers to preserve it. In a way, incinerate-her makes one value the end-product of sex: life.

Practically, incinerate-her is a very versatile position. For one thing, homosexuals can practice it as well. At least the male ones. How many homosexuals do you know who try missionary or cowgirl? None, as they’re not homosexually possible. All homosexuals pretty much have is doggystyle. Well, they can add incinerate-her to the mix. And if they do, I’d rather they keep the title. “Incinerate-him” doesn’t sound too classy.

Also, if you’re not one for outdoors, this position is great in the kitchen. Just turn on your oven and use it as a make shift fireplace and keep the oven door open. You see? Basically, you’re trying to force your partner into the oven. Pretty neat, right? If you’re a married couple, you probably do it a lot in the kitchen. Does your wife/husband ever look sexier then when she’s cooking a meal for you? I’ve always felt that a kitchen is the ideal location for impromptu, spontaneous sex. But its such a drag finding room or making your way back to the bedroom. Incinerate-her allows you to turn your kitchen into a sex-toy. Just grab your woman and start trying to toss her into the oven. Or grab your man and dare him to.

Watch this space for more tips.

When I grow up, I want to be like Mr. Cerny

2009-01-15T14:24:00.007-05:00

I would highly recommend checking out this piece on a brilliant new mosaic meant to,

"symbolize the glory of a unified Europe by reflecting something special about each country in the European Union."

So what really happened?

"In the case of "Entropa," Mr. Cerny presented the piece as the work of 27 artists, one from each country. But it was all a huge hoax. After being challenged by reporters this week, Mr. Cerny admitted that he and two of his friends constructed the whole thing themselves, making up the names of artists, giving some of them Web sites and writing pretentious, absurd statements to go with their supposed contributions."

Slideshow with pictures (Germany is my favorite):

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2009/01/15/world/0115-MOSAIC_index.html

(Link acknowledgement: BC, BC)

Hakuna Matata

2009-01-14T02:49:00.014-05:00

Note: Names have been changed in a rather pathetic attempt to protect the identities of those involved.

The exchange below is again, from a business school forum, and although almost a year old, is still quite amusing. A few points for background information:

1) YayHBS123, a student at HBS, is a really nice guy who has genuinely helped quite a few people through the application process. His inclusion in this post is purely contextual.

2) CantwaittobeYayHBS124 has just been admitted, and is thanking YayHBS123 for his help. While also a decent enough human being, his presence is integral.

The post itself:

Originally Posted by YayHBS123

CantwaittobeYayHBS124,
Even without my help you would have got in... And now that you are here, do not forget to pay it forward. Very soon, someone is going to ... ask for your help. At that time ... help them with all your energy.
...

Reply Posted by CantwaittobeYayHBS124

Yes Yay,
You're absolutely right.

My favourite movie Lionking says - "In the circle of life.......you should never take more than you give..........in the circle of life!!"

I will remember that.

CantwaittobeYayHBS124

For more, please see this, this and this.

A-weema-weh A-weema weh A-weema-weh A-weema-weh. In the jungle, the mighty jungle...

Disclaimer

2009-01-13T11:43:00.005-05:00

The following represents the kind of self-indulgent post you are not likely to see on this blog. I’ve tried to simulate the kind of writing which has upset me over the years.

“Hey sorry I’ve been away for so long and haven’t been able to write. Life has been so hectic. It seems like every time I look around there’s another obstacle in my way, another roadblock in my highway of hope.

Today was one of those days where you know life is going to throw a curveball your way, and rather than try to smack it out of the park its best to just watch it slide easily into the catcher’s mitt so you get a chance to appreciate all its complexities.

I started off the day by waking up and brushing my teeth. At breakfast mom was on my case about my lack of a serious relationship. Why, oh, why mom, do we have this dance every morning? Is a quiet breakfast too much to ask for? Suddenly, my father flashed me that knowing smile he reserves for me when he knows I’m depressed. Its funny isn’t it, how the tiniest of gestures can make the world of difference? I think that’s what life is all about: the little things.

On my way to work an incredibly interesting thing happened. I took a shorter route and noticed a new billboard being erected at a junction. I couldn’t help but stop a while and admire the paradox right in front of me. Here, in a matter of hours, was a work of art for everyone to see. And it is a work of art, isn’t it? It’s a creation. It sends a message. It communicates through visual imagery. But then the paradox: it’s an advertisement. Do commercials represent a defilement of art? Should all art be lofty and highbrow? Does a work of art require an estrangement from worldly conventions? Is the billboard painter an artist? Am I gay? As I stood there and pondered these questions, I realized that this may be what life is all about: the eternal paradox.

Work was the usual. My boss was out of town so I was able to take a longer lunch break. I ate a sandwich. Chicken and mayo with a slice of cheese. Make that two slices of cheese. And the bread had the crust cut off. Poor crust – banished from my meal due to its insignificance and incongruity in taste in relation to the white center. That got me thinking about the race issue in America. Do white people represent the white portion of the bread while the minorities are the crust? We are so quick to cut off the crust. But do we ever try to UNDERSTAND the crust? Maybe the crust can gel with the rest of the sandwich. Maybe we should compromise for the sake of the crust. Including it in my meal would be more enriching. Sitting at the lunch table, I realized that life is about not discarding the crust.”

Anyway, I could go on but you get the general gist. I was initially pretty averse to blogging since the judgmental streak in me couldn’t fathom why anyone should care about a total stranger writing about their life as if it means anything to anyone.

This is not a mission statement though. Im pretty sure JJY and I (if we ever make it big, that’ll be the title of our biographical movie) will comment about some aspect of our personal lives and experiences. Where else can we get material from? But it probably won’t be in the nature of an itemized rundown of your day. Though there are exceptions. For example, if I bang a model, you can be sure I’ll be posting a very detailed description of the entire 24 hours surrounding that event.

Flying solo

2009-01-13T02:05:00.006-05:00

In a fabulous display of idiocy, this man failed on approximately seventeen different counts in his attempt to fake his own death by jumping out of his plane and letting it crash in a Florida swamp.

My favorite bit:

"A man with Mr Shrenker's identification apparently checked into a hotel in Alabama after the crash, telling police he had been in a canoeing accident, before being seen running away into some nearby woods. "

How did he think that would work? How?

(Link acknowledgment: F-machine)

Best Book Ever?

2009-01-13T01:58:00.010-05:00

An amazon.com user has posted perhaps the most poignant book review I have ever read. Unfortunately, his experience with the novel seems to be atypical - every copy I bought lacked the most integral piece...if you see a sudden surge in Rhonda Byrne books on ebay, you'll know why.

Update: For some reason, Amazon decided to delete the review. The link above now points to the cached version from google.

Cause and effect

2009-01-13T01:32:00.009-05:00

Given my recent immersion in the business school application process, it was only a matter of time before I stumbled upon the various forums that engage in fervent discussion on the abovementioned soul-searching (sucking?) process.

Businessweek and GMATClub are the two most popular, as far as I know, and in addition to providing a wealth of information, they have also served tremendously well as sources of entertainment.

Case in point:

First, some background - the fellow quoted below seems like a perfectly likable chap, but has sadly been subject to a spate of rejections from various business schools. This must have LED to an incredible amount of detailed introspection on his part, because after much deliberation and reflection, this is what he said:

"One of my friends corrected a big mistake I made throughout the applications. The past tense of 'Lead' is 'Led". I have been using 'Lead' everywhere unknown to the fact that I was making a mistake. I thought lead is like read. What a stupidity...
One of the possible reasons for my dings so far."

At first, I laughed. Then, I felt badly. But at the end of the day, all I had to offer was concurrence - what a stupidity, indeed.

Stupid is as stupid does

2009-01-11T23:41:00.005-05:00

I've been meaning to blog for a long while now, but haven't gotten around to it due to a combination of real life commitments, deadlines, responsibilities, and most of all, abject laziness. Until now.

Most posts on this blog will be entirely fictional episodes, or at best (worst?), seriously exaggerated accounts based on relatively mundane happenings in my life and the lives of people I know.

I'll probably also link to stories I find interesting or funny, but mostly those that recount examples of inconceivable stupidity.

Lastly, I will almost always aim to be funny, and often fail. Humour me.

And oh, I have an affinity for commas and like using the semi-colon, even when not appropriate. Just so you know.